seriously?

i am so freaking tired of having problems with my eyes.  i hate my glasses.  i also hate going to the eye doctor.  i'm trying to avoid it at all costs.

i'm just so frustrated.  seriously.  almost 10 years of wearing contacts and alllllll the issues decided to happen within the same month.


kj;lklklkmlkjfjflkjlkjf;lk;l,;lfkkjkdjfalkdjlkdhjadkjfkdjg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

i have serious jealousy issues.

i need to work on it.

motto.

today, i got a letter in the mail.  a letter i'd written myself on my last night in Philadelphia.

i managed not to cry as i read it, walking across the upper quad in my cutsey first day of school outfit.  i read it once, twice, three times before plopping myself into meret's room for some down time before my 3:00.

this letter brings me several different emotions.  for one, it makes me wish so much that i was still in this summer, still working at First Pres and hanging out with some of the coolest kids in the world.  this letter also makes me sad... sad to read it and be reminded of how much i didn't want to come back to Wake when i wrote the letter.  i'm also convicted...there are several statements in this letter that are good reminders for me, and praise be to God that I had the wisdom at the time to include them.

but most of all, the letter makes me smile.  i smile for the memories, for the life-changing summer, for the messy hand writing, and for Christ.

the letter ends:

"Pray. Worship.  Love the Lord.

Love and faith, Carolyn"

here's to a new motto:  pray.  worship.  love the Lord.

never, ever.

there is nothing in the world that you could ever do to make me love you less.

Complete.

TFA application is completed and submitted.  God is the one who is in charge of it now!

feels good.  now, time to pack and prepare myself for senior year.  God is in charge of that too!

encouragement.

sometimes i wonder why i fret so much when i can just turn to the Word and read this:

"But if it were I, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.  He bestows rain upon the earth; he sends water upon the countryside.  The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety."

((Job 5: 9-11))

new artist worthy of notice.

 well, new to me anyway.  She's one of those artists that I downloaded when I heard her name in a article somewhere or other, but never really listened to.  Tonight, I did...and I'm obsessed.

its funny how the first chords that you come to
are the minor notes that come to serenade you
it's hard to accept yourself as someone
you don't desire
as someone you don't want to be

oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
((rambling man by Laura Marling))

to listen.

there were so many moments when i could have gone for it.  but every time i felt myself leaning that way, i started praying.  i prayed for the clarity to know what to do.  and the answer, every time, was "Just wait.  Just breathe.  Just let it be."

i seem to have an incredible talent for situations like this, but this time i'm guarding my heart.  this time, its about what God wants it to be.  Lord knows what i want it to be usually brings nothing but trouble.  and amazingly, i am peaceful about it.  it will be what it will be, and i'm just going to go with God on this one.  seriously. 

i'm finding myself already content, and i don't even know the outcome.

this time, i'm going to listen.

breathe.

This song, albeit written with a secular intent, has really been stuck in my head lately, and I think there's a reason for that.

She is fine, most of the time
She takes her days with a smile
Moves like a dancer in light
Spinning around to the sounds
But sometimes she falls down

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

She likes New York at night
She dreams of running away
Shine on, bright like the sun
When even the sky turns gray

I need you to hear me say

I need you to hear me say

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down
You're gonna be fine
Don't hold it inside
If you hurt right now
Then let it all come out

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

 

((Breathe by Ryan Star))

therapy.

afternoon thunderstorm.
paintbrushes.
lots of blue paint.
a soundtrack of ryan star and ingrid michaelson.

feels good.

focus.

Today, its the Teach for America application.

i've never been so nervous about an application.

it's in God's hands.

love.

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

You put your arm around me for the first time...

crazily obsessed with Taylor Swift's "Mine."

certain parts already hit home, but i wish it was more my story.  kind of.  just the happy, fall in love, get married part.

taylor swift is one of those artists that i fight soooo much against liking.  mainly because she's so teeny-bopper, mainstream, everybody-loves-her-and-i-want-to-be-different.

but then, she has to put out another song that just fits every one of my fairy tales/day dreams.

oh well.

ohhh boyyy.

you know, it just hit me that i downed that entire bag of extra butter popcorn, which comes in at about 600 calories.  that's in addition to the waffles i had for breakfast, the shrimp&grits i had for lunch, and the bowl of cereal i had for dinner.

oops.

but, its ok...it takes at least three days for that to show up anyway, right?  i'll worry about it then.

we were all naked in the Garden anyway, right?

10am.
crowded beach, Wilmington, NC.
need for sunscreen on my back.
asked my mother.
who thought my (strapless) top was twisted.
(misguided) attempt to fix it (and without my knowledge.)
SNAP.
top falls off, displaying very white and naked flesh to fellow beach goers.

(oh well.)

tears.

everythingggg about Redeeming Love strikes such a different chord with me now than it did a year ago.

"She felt jubilation--and the presence of a power so immense she was trembling."

"Though you deny me, I love you with an everlasting love."

"Will you ever know you struck the match and brought light into my darkness?"

"I do."

"I have not given you a heart of fear."

"She had always known her own pain and loneliness, her own need.  Now she came to face his."

"Michael had once read to her how God had cast a man and woman out of Paradise.  Yet, for all their human faults and failures, God had shown them the way back in.
Love the Lord your God, and love one another.  Love one another has He loves.  Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you.  Don't weaken.  Stand against the darkness, and love.  That's the way back into Eden.  That's the way back to life."

independence.

today, i'm feeling a little more grown up.  i've been out and about all day doing my own thing.  i had a doctor's appointment without mom and dad even in the same town, and i paid for it.  i went shopping and was social and ran errands all with the knowledge that i was coming home to an empty house.  my cat met me at the door, she helped me do some chores, and now i'm cooking dinner for one and listening to my music as loud as i want (the only thing missing is a glass of white wine in my left hand).  the evening will be spent cuddled on the couch, reading the Bible and planning tomorrow's lesson, with some packing for the beach scattered in.

is this a preview of this time next year?  i kind of hope so.