joy.

never really knew what it was until now.










((Psalm 16:11))

in me, a new (and thankful) heart.

my life is changing.

and its all for good.

and its all because of God.

Every time I see a bit more of His plan unfold, I realize just how silly I was to have ever trusted anyone but Him.

((WFU Office of the Chaplain Summer Intern 2010))

its a funny thing.

faith.

I honestly do not need anything else.

because I cannot really have anything else until I have faith.

with faith, everything else falls into place.

becomes clearer.

I learn what (and who) matters.

I gain perspective.

confidence.

how did I survive twenty years without this?

thread.

about a month and a half ago, i picked up the million scattered and broken threads of my heart and soul and, with God's hands guiding mine, began to weave the most beautiful piece of fabric that i've ever seen.

tonight, i'm finding a loose thread.  and if i'm honest, the loose thread has been messing up my weaving for the past week or so, but i've been ignoring it.

i've been weaving on auto pilot for the past week, maybe two.  i've had so much work and so many meetings; they've become my focus.

i'm noticing tonight that there are bits of agendas, pieces of homework problems, and scraps of text book pages all tangled up in my fabric.

if i look back further, before the loose thread, i see instead charms of love, beads of friendship, and wisps of Bible verses.

how do i fix this loose thread, remove what's ruining my fabric?

Can.not.stop.

I feel like I can't even hardly breathe I've been moving so fast.

And it only is faster from here for the next few days.  Thursday night will finally bring me some rest.

Frustrated [[edit]]

I would do anything and everything for my family, but they can't do a damn  (giving up cursing for Lent) thing for me [[this is honestly very untrue, when I think about it; example, my dad pays a rather large amount of money for me to go to college]].

And when I say they can't do a damn thing, I mean it.  I get yelled at for asking them to stick a calculator in the mail [[ok, so this part is true]].

I am so tired of being the only responsible, mature member of my family.  They're on the fast track to making me never want to go home again [[both true and untrue.  I do have my moments of being the only child who 'has it all together,' which can be very frustrating and comes with a great deal of pressure from my parents.  However, I am not the only responsible or mature one, and I certainly am not responsible or mature all the time.  And honestly, there are moments when I do not want to go home ever again.  But I love my family too much for that, even when they (clearly) drive me insane]].


[[how can I call myself loving, Christian, and mature if I talk about my own family this way?  I think I'll learn more from the Bible study I'm organizing than will the other girls that come]].

Agape.

the Greek word for "love."

But not just any kind of love.  

Divine, unconditional, self sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love.

Love that consumes, that surpasses all other types of affection.

God's love for us.

((try that on for size.))

"I'm sorry that in your condition...

"...the sunshine's been missing, but don't believe that it isn't there. Oh and be happy, this world can be ugly, but isn't it beautiful?"


If I had known what that one night would change,  I'd take it all back.


I miss you.



((new favorite song update: Shark in the Water by VV Brown))

New Day

I've just printed off the last essay that made this week so hard for me.  It feels so nice to be done and to have a breather before I plunge back into work for next week.

Music is always what gets me through my roughest weeks.  Emmaus this week gave me some amazing new worship songs, and I've been good at randomly finding old music that I've always loved and had just forgotten about.  Last night gave me more new songs.  My friend James helped organize a "Hope for Haiti" concert and some of our campus organizations performed.  I took a break from my work to just be with some friends and listen to music for a bit.  Chi Ro is an amazing men's a capella group, and aside from the fact that their faces and voices make all women swoon, they always sing great songs.  Last night's selection included "New Day" by Robbie Seay Band.

new favorite.

"It’s the calm of the storm that comes blowing in
It’s the springtime saying I'm back again
The clouds that roll by
Crossing moonlight
Me and you love – everything's alright
Standing in the rain with nowhere to go
Laughing and we're spinning and I hope that you
Remember this day
For the rest of your life
Me and you love – everything’s gonna be alright

And it just might be
The prettiest thing that you'll ever see
It’s a new day
Oh baby, it’s a new day
If you look outside
To see a beautiful sunrise
It’s a new day."

Pit Sit

I've been in the pit since 7:30 this morning with Meret studying for my first major test of the year.  Eek!  It's at 12, and I'm about to head to my 9:30 class.  Luckily I'll have more time to study at 11.

On another note... I love rediscovering artists that I always knew I loved but had just kind of forgotten about.  This time, its Jack's Mannequin. His piano and his lyrics just get me, swallow me...I can seriously get lost in his music.

((Not to mention the fact he's survived leukemia, which I believe adds that maturity and depth to his songwriting))

"Dear Hope,
Attach it to the end of your rope,
A rope that wove ambition in with sorrow,
Distancing tomorrow, tomorrow's come and passed...

Dear Jack,
Wherever you are hold tight;
Wherever he is, shine light right there;
Be strong I dare!
I know it's hard but I will wait,
I will wait, yeah.

You were the fighter,
I was the kid against the world.
I heard there's nothing gonna hold you down.
I'll use a lighter so you can see what isn't there.
We'll swing at air,
Swinging off; eventually you're bound,
You're bound to the ground.

I, I had songs for you.
I had all your music written out.
The words came when I heard you screaming.
I, I, I, I had plans for you
Until the plans fell through.
Now there is no turning back, my dear Jack..."


((from my new favorite, "Dear Jack."))

Divine Romance

The fullness of Your grace is here with me,
The richness of Your beauty’s all I see,
The brightness of Your glory has arrived;
In Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied.

For You, I sing, I dance;
Rejoice in this divine romance;
Lift my heart and my hands;
To show my love, to show my love.

A deep deep flood, an Ocean flows from You,
Of deep deep love, yeah it’s filling up the room,
Your innocent blood has washed my guilty life;
In Your presence, God, I’m completely satisfied.

one word.

One word answers are not enough.

Telling me its "cool" doesn't help me at all.

MAHHHHHH.

Completion

Love brought me here;
I've come full circle, I think;
Granted, there will be many more circles,
of that I have no doubt;
But this particular circle:
Full.

The healing of this wound is complete.





"Let me live that I may praise you." ((Psalm 119: 175))

friends.

Tonight was my first Bible study for ADPi.  Three girls came, a few less than I was expecting, but four turned out to be a good number.  For the rest of the semester, we've decided to study the fruits of the spirit, but tonight we studied 1 John 2:7-17, with a connection to John 15: 9-17.

"Whoever says, "I am in the light," while hating a brother or sister, is still in the darkness." 1 John 2: 9

"This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends." John 15: 12-13

friends.

Jesus considered his disciples his friends.   And loved them like friends.  How powerful is that?  Their servitude was not one of bondage; it was one of love.  Mutual love.  Unconditional love.

How many people in my life do I love like that?  And I mean truly love them, like Jesus loved his disciples?  And what about those who I don't particularly get along with?  Jesus calls me to love them too.  How well do I love those people?

This weekend, I get to see some friends.  How well will I love them this weekend?  Better than the last time I saw them?  Definitely.  As well as Jesus calls me to love them? I hope so.

Oh Lord, this new path that you have put me on, this new burning desire in my heart that I have for You...I'm loving it.