also...

God whispers?


"But as you go your own way
Remember, do not be afraid
because you're right where you should be
In Capitol City
Yeah, I know
There's better things right now for you than me
You're growing up
Those squinty eyes are just starting to see
Everything you need."
--"Capitol City" by Matt Wertz

answer.

just last night, a cry of being lonely.  or rather, the fear of being lonely this summer.

and then came today.

silly me.

faith.

i'm such a control freak.

so resistant to change.

when am i going to trust again?

being.

i finally have a moment to sit and breathe, a moment to sit and process everything that has happened in my life over the past month or so.  i really am not exaggerating when i say that it has been the craziest and hardest month of my life.

i guess it all started with the ankle.  falling down was not really a huge thing, but honestly being on crutches, then in a boot, and then now the brace has really been a much crazier process than i would have ever anticipated.  i realized the other day that i wasn't able to enjoy the walk to classes for the last month of my senior year...because i couldn't walk at all.  i couldn't hardly tell you what the quad was like in this month's beautiful sunshine, because i missed it.

in the midst of the ankle issues came the last few weeks of class, filled with papers, projects, presentations, Laura causing family drama, and Easter.  and then right as exams started, Mr. Mike died.  and then a week after that, Grandma went home to Jesus too.  the selfish decision to spend a week at the beach instead of flying out to Washington felt like the right decision, but it was not the restful week i'd really been needing...too much sun and too many late nights.

and then came graduation weekend.  in addition to gradually packing up my apartment over the course of these three days, the weekend brought: two parties on Saturday; Baccalaureate, the boys' party, department receptions, and dinner with Hunter's family on Sunday; Commencement, lunch with the family, and then dinner at the Graylyn with my family and Hunter's family on Monday.

i slept for almost 12 hours on Monday night.  i'm exhausted.  but i'm realizing that i'm not only physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally exhausted too.  the punches have just not stopped coming for the past month and a half, and i am just so tired.  and its not even over.  i'm about to face a summer of the unknown, filled with job hunting, missing friends and missing Hunter, and fearing what is next.  Moving to D.C. is my goal, and that'll be stressful even in its own right.

i'm realizing, especially after reading all of this, how desperately i need some time to just be.  seriously.  just time to sit and do nothing, so that i can deal with my heart and my soul and my mind.  Jesus has been pushed out a lot in the past several weeks, and i know that now more than ever i need to be trusting in Him.  Because no one else is going to be able to take these burdens from me, or set right what is so broken and empty in my life.

so that's my goal for the next few weeks.  being.  got a brand new Moleskine, lots of pens, and a dusty Bible.  that's all that is going to matter.

and now for Grandma.

"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live! "


So glad you're finally home, sweet Grandma.  You're happy and healthy again, and praise Jesus for that.  We love you and miss you, but you're finally where you've needed to be.

"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"


We'll miss you, Mr. Mike.  But we know you're home.