time flies?

i literally spent all of break in bed or on the couch, and it still flew by.

i breathed fresh air twice, when Matthew drove me to get a movie and when Mom drove me to get more medicine.

and now, its back to school already.  no more time to just lay around, nap, or watch endless movies on Netflix.  Nope, instead I get to spend my time with textbooks and notes.

two more weeks (which, honestly, is absolutely terrifying and comforting at the same time).

patience.

I had so many fun plans for break.

things to do, people to see, food to cook...I literally cursed at the sky the whole way home from the doctor yesterday.

I guess God had different plans...mono for the second time (throwback to the 6th grade!)

I already have the feeling I'm going to go crazy just lying in bed for the rest of the week, but maybe its what I need...not just for my health, but for my heart and soul.  Some true peace and quiet, and if I'm smart, some listening too.

Hey God, it's me, Carolyn...let's spend some time together.

pretty in pink.

even with our mistakes, our brokenness, our forgetting the rules, hating that term, and re-establishing "good ideas"...

i don't think you could make me much happier.

i might be too far in way too soon, but just like you said:  I'm in this for the long haul.

falling slowly,
sing your melody,
i'll sing along.

no more.

no more apologies or guilt on my part.

i never once complained when the situation was reversed.  for the first time in our friendship, i have something you don't.  i want to spend time with you and i want to enjoy our friendship and i love you.  but i'm done letting you make me feel guilty about it.  i'm done feeling like i'm a bad friend.

i've been down this road before, and it ended with me being blamed, feeling at fault, and apologizing.

but friendship, especially best friendship, is supposed to be a two-way street.  and lately, its been a one-way leading to your needs and away from mine.

no more.

reassurance.

The past few days have been rough, but God so delivers.  The message at Emmaus was completely and totally meant for me.  Without a doubt, it was God speaking straight to my heart and soul, reminding me that all my gains are but loss when it comes to how great Christ is.

My reason for wanting to be offered a position with TFA was pure pride.  My heart and motivations were completely in the wrong place, and it took God firmly shutting the door and giving the clear answer I'd been praying for to help me realize it.  And to realize how little I need to worry about where my life is going.  He is so in charge, and He is the only thing that matters.

God could care less whether I get into a competitive program.  All He cares about is my heart.


 ^7-9The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.

 ^10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

 ^12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

((Philippians 3: 7-14))

two dozen.

an unbelievably frustrating day.
a looming all nighter to prepare for this test.

what a mood i was in, and how thoughtful you are.

no one has ever gotten me roses until now.

mood.

you know how sometimes you just get in those moods where you just want to sit and cry and do nothing else?  nothing specifically is wrong, just a general feeling of sadness and stress and off-ness.  i mean, maybe its little things that have built up over the past few days.  individually, nothing to be bothered by.  together, a different story.

yeah, its one of those days.

genuine.

¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.  ¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸ So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Philippians 2: 12-18

continual.

I took my senior portraits today.

My college senior portraits.

I posed in a college cap and gown.

All I can do is sit here and wonder where in the world the time has gone.  Parts of high school literally seem like yesterday.  I would not go back to high school, or even the past three years, for all the money in the world, but the fact that they're gone already just blows my mind.  I am so trusting and confident in God's plan for me, but I still have those moments of utter fear about next year and complete sadness that time in this life goes so quickly. 

Every time I start a new year in college, I feel like I say "Ok, this is the one, I'm finally hitting my stride."  And then something happens to break my stride or, as is often the case, I look back and say, "Oh no, that wasn't my year...look what is happening now; this is definitely my year."  Well, I'm in that same phase right now.  I look back across the past 20 years of my life and realize how much I have grown and how much I have changed.  My years in college have been especially formative, with my junior year topping the list.  This time last year, I was drunkenly stumbling my way through a semester abroad, so broken-hearted and broken down that I literally lost myself in anything I could.  Looking back, I think even if I had been entirely sober and sane my entire time abroad, that experience in and of itself would still have been me losing myself for a while.  I was away from everyone and everything I knew, and I was happy not to carry it with me. 

Although, I did carry it all with me...I just pretended that the massive chains on my heart and the weights that dragged along behind me weren't there.  And it took literally being overwhelmed by them to recognize them for what they were, and to finally let Jesus take them.

I am continually and constantly amazed at how fully and beautiful the Lord has worked in my life in the past 10 months.  Yes, there have been backward steps and anger and tears and doubt, but I have literally been transformed.  This idea of transformation has been reappearing over and over again in the past 3 months in particular, and I honestly and truly believe that it is the Lord's gentle way of reminding me that my transformation is not a single moment, but rather a continuing process of living, serving, loving, and growing in Him.

I praise God for this transformation that has touched every single part of my life: school work, free time, friendships, my relationship, my heart.

So, even though this year is flying by...and even though I feel like I'm really, truly, completely hitting my stride this semester...and even though I know there will be future stumbles...

I am transformed and will continue to be.