we fall apart.

We fall apart just to come alive  /  A broken heart can shatter all the lies  /  A brand new start and a goodbye  /  We fall apart just to come alive

so here i am again.  standing at a crossroads.  i have an incredibly real decision to make, and one that will have lasting consequences.  i've been walking down this road for the past few months and have wholly ignored the tugs at my heart and the truth that has tried to hold me back from making mistakes.  but i cannot ignore that any more.

His voice is too strong in my head and my heart.  stronger than his voice.

Anthem.

But you didn't have to cut me off.
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing.
And I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough.
And you didn't have to stoop so low,
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number.
I guess that I don't need that though.

Now you're just somebody that I used I know.

home.

I'm sitting here at home (my real home in North Carolina) and I cannot help but be so homesick for the way things were.  You know, those few years called college when I got to play adult for most of the year but then come home for summers and be with my family and my friends.  Those years when I was thirty-five minutes down the road and if I ever just needed a hug from my dad or a face-to-face conversation with my mom, I could hop in the car and be there lickety-split.

I wouldn't consider myself a homebody, but I do know that I love my family...my crazy, broken, messed up family...more than anyone else in this world.  And being five to six hours (sometimes more, thank you traffic) away from them is so hard.

Being at home makes these feelings stronger, of course, but right now there is a part of me wishing I had never left North Carolina.  When I take a step back, I remember that I do love my life in D.C.  And I am happy that, for all the pain and heartache the last year brought me, I am out in the world doing something different than what I ever saw for myself.

But Lord, tonight I have to ask, why couldn't the blessings have just stayed the same?  Why didn't life stay as it was?  Stay easy?  Stay comfortable?

Oh.  Maybe this is it.  We talked at church a few weeks ago about how God is the gardener in our lives, and that He prunes the vine so that there may be new growth and new life.  We also talked about how very painful that pruning can be; that it involves the Lord cutting very real things out of our lives, things that we might want to hold on to.

I think the Lord needed to get me out of my easy, comfortable life so that He could really do some work on me.  He needed to strip me of everything familiar so that I was left with Him and Him alone to heal me, mold me, and change me.

I'll be honest...I'm still such a work in progress, and in this moment I just need to cry a little for what was.


I've been gone so long I can barely say
All I know is now I want to stay
Has it been too long since I went away?
Cause I'm trying to find the words
But I can barely say

Cycle.

I'm a hypocrite through and through. And I don't know how to break free of this when being with him is the best release I've had in a long time.

stumble.

i feel like i am constantly running forward, trying so hard, but i just can't keep from stumbling over something every single time i feel like i've finally hit my stride.

i know in my heart that i will be able to look back in a year and say, "Thank you Lord for the stumbles, because that was me climbing my way to the top of this mountain."

but tonight, that reason is just not helping the right here, right now.

cozy.

I used to think that if you didn't have anything to do on a Saturday night, you were lame.

Now, I'm spending my first Saturday night in a very long time just sitting on my couch, cuddled in a blanket, and doing absolutely nothing.

And I love it.

Maybe I'm getting old, but there is something that just feels so darn good sitting here with a few roommates and, for lack of a better word, vegging.  Emily is reading, Lauren and Marissa are Bible-reading, and I'm drinking wine and blogging.  Mine is perhaps the least intelligent of the activities, but I do enjoy purging my thoughts.  its a kind of catharsis.

happiness.

i laughed the whole way home, as tears of joy streamed down my face.

i may have lost a human relationship, but through this process I have gained a deeper and fuller relationship with my Lord.  and there is nothing sad or heartbreaking or regretful in that.

i am honestly so happy, and so very much where i am meant to be.

praise the Lord, oh my soul.