even if the ache comes again tomorrow, all that matters right now is the delicious sunshine and the beautiful place that I'm fortunate enough to call home.
my continual song: peace, patience, understanding.
why should i let one failing friendship taint my entire world? not to say that it doesn't matter or that i'm giving up, but its making me forget about everything wonderful in my life.
last night i was out to dinner with Brooks. She was eating her ice cream and i was just watching her (she doesn't like to talk when she's eating ice cream). She paused and looked up at me, staring at her, and this huge smile spread across her face as she says, "What?!?" My response: "Chicken butt."
but that smile on her face...that smile that shows nothing but her unconditional, unending love for me...that right there? Well that's the heart of God. that's God's love, just shining out at me.
God loves me. In the end, what else really matters?
i was feeling better, but tonight i'm just kind of miserable.
and i'm mad at myself for being miserable.
frustrated with myself.
i know i need to be patient. this goes back to my assignment, spending time focusing on what i'm grateful for instead of being frustrated for failing to be patient. and i've been trying that. i take moments and just give thanks to God for my life, my friends, my family. but i just cannot shake this feeling.
i think what sticks in my head the most, what saddens me the most, and what scares me the most is the possibility that it might never be the same again. and that by being patient and waiting on God, this friendship will just fall to dust.
but seriously, Carolyn...are you really going to trust yourself more than you trust God? Do you really think you know better than He does?
now i'm the one who is too scared to just jump and let God catch me.
Great Spirit,
whose voice I hear in the winds
and whose breath gives life to all the world, hear me.
I am small and weak.
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes
ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made
and my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise so that I may understand
the things you have taught my people.
Let me learn the lessons you have hidden
in every leaf and rock.
I seek strength, not to be superior to my brother,
but to fight my greatest enemy - myself.
Make me always ready to come to you
with clean hands and straight eyes,
so when life fades, as the fading sunset,
my spirit will come to you
without shame.
american indian - lakota - chief yellow lark - 1887
that people inevitably let you down.
that i believe lies too easily.
that my imagination often gets the better of me.
that i lie to myself.
that i'm cutting it out of my life for good.
that loneliness hits even me.
that i'm the cause of all my problems.
that dogs are better big spoons than boys.
that yelling never gets anything accomplished.
that crying makes your eyes tired.
that prayers sometimes take a while to be answered.
that faith isn't always easy.
that i'm all alone on a road going nowhere at full speed.
i am so unbelievably frustrated that, even though i have committed myself to God this semester more than ever, i've been given a million more challenges that inevitably end up leaving me hurt.
when you reconnect.
when you finally catch up on each other's lives.
when you talk about your fears.
when you talk about your future.
harder still, when you talk about the past.
when you talk about your weaknesses.
when you talk about your faith.
its moments like those when you know God is in the conversation and when you know, deep down in your soul, just how important that other person is to you and that you were always meant to be close friends.
"White Blank Page" by Mumford & Sons helps me deal.
A white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think
when you sent me
to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention
but denied my affections, my affections. So tell me now, where was my fault?"
I went walking on the beach with Bobbie today. We took pictures and ran at seagulls and after about 15 minutes decided to head back to the room.
We were about to get on the boardwalk when a woman and two men approached us. The woman was wearing a nice dress and the gentlemen were wearing suits.
The woman stops us and says, "We're getting married, would you mind taking pictures?" I said, "Sure! Congratulations! When are you getting married, this weekend?"
Her response?
"No, right now!"
Bobbie, the minister, and I were the only witnesses in a beach wedding...and Bobbie and I doubled as photographers. I used the groom's camera and Bobbie used the bride's Iphone.
I cried.
It was the simplest, shortest wedding. But the love in their eyes was undeniable. They were both in their mid 40s, I'd say. And I could not have been happier for them.
When I was little, I used to tell my mom that I was never, ever going to go away to college...that I was going to stay home and commute to school.
Sometimes, I still wish for that. It is amazing that a place that oftentimes brings me so much anger, frustration, and sadness can be one of the places I least want to leave.
Just today, I was telling an former teacher that even though study abroad was amazing, I've never been one of those people who was made to grow up and move away. Maybe its because I moved so often when I was little, but I've always known in my heart that, at least for me, there's a value in staying close to home. You've got family, friends, memories...
Every time I leave home, my heart hurts a little bit. Even if I'm excited about where I'm going (in this case, to Charleston and then back to my beloved Wake Forest), I cannot help but feel a little twinge as I pack up my room and gather my things that, inevitably, are spread across the house. I think its because I know that each time I pack up and leave home, it means I'm growing up a little more. Every time I step out the door, I move a little farther on the life path that takes me away from home.
I mean, I've already come to the realization that my family (Mom, Dad, Laura, me, Matthew, Indigo) will never again all truly live together. I guess I should have begun that realization process when my sister went to college, but I guess its more real now because she's finally and completely moved out of the house.
Sure, my house will always be my home, and my family will always be my family. But, before I know it, I'll have a new home and even a new family. And, as exciting as that is? Well, tonight it makes me just a little bit sad.
I am so distressed that it is already spring break.
It's already March.
I seriously cannot handle time passing this quickly. I hate it so much. The past two months have passed in a whirl and my head is still spinning.
So much has happened since the beginning of the year.
I was broken down and built back up.
I've had the busiest semester of my life.
I've been France-sick.
I've been homesick.
I've felt disconnect from those I love.
I ((once again)) kissed and wish I could take it back.
I conquered my first two major tests, pulling the grades I wanted.
I skipped more class than I should have.
I planned Bible studies and learned more from them than anyone else there.
I ran the race, ate 9 doughnuts, and managed not to make anyone mad that weekend.
I've been jealous of the time he spends with others and not me.
I've been jealous of the time they spend with themselves and not me.
I've worn pink spandex.
I've been DD for too many late night pizza or Cook Out runs.
I've acquired an online shopping problem.
I've spent too much money.
I've eaten too much food without darkening the door of the gym.
I played in the snow.
I had a cold.
I played Qwelf.
I've cried.
I've yelled.
I've hit and punched and kicked (literally).
I've laughed.
I've panicked.
I've trusted.
I've forgotten other important things that have happened...
Here I am, reading through this list and feeling that even though this is a rather long list, its passed in the blink of an eye.
You know something is wrong when the first half of a semester passes ten times more quickly than an entire semester in Europe does...
And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
(("After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons, my new obsession...if anyone writes a song called "Timshel," you better believe I'm obsessed...you should look up those lyrics and/or read East of Eden...and then you'll get it))
my momma's side of the family, specifically the branch bearing the Dewey name, has always spoken of "the Dewey Worry Gene." Deweys, in particular the women, seem to have an incurable tendency to worry constantly about everything. I've always seen this gene in my mother, my granny, and my great aunts.
its the sunshine that reaches my dark places.
