stress.

instead of going to bed, I just spend the last hour calculating what grades I need to get in order to get the GPA I want/need this semester.

I also spent time budgeting the next month of my life because I literally have $33.68 to my name.  Seriously.  And my parents will not give me a dime.

I know that there is more to life than grades and money.  and I know that God wants my heart, not my dollars and sense.  But man oh man, I can't get them off my mind.

new favorite artist(s).

Have a listen: 

Josh Ritter:
Harrisburg              "There ain't no reviving what's gone." 
Kathleen                 "I know you are waiting and I know that it is not for me." 
Best for the Best     "If the best is for the best, then the best is to blame."


Blind Pilot:   
One Red Thread       "Man oh man, you can do what you want." 
3 Rounds & a Sound  "Cause you know me, I could not give up on you."


Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Sea Wolf
Monsters of Folk

perhaps?

might have figured out career plans.  at least for two years.

TeachForAmerica

of course.

i would make it the entire semester without getting sick and then have to get sick right before finals.

MERDE.

power.

Yes, i've lost friends this semester.  yes, things have changed.  but, i've been blessed with new friends.  changes that have brought me good.  brought me happiness.  brought me joy.

that's His power.

freedom.

today is a good day.  the only thing i'm bound to is my Lord Jesus.  and i want those chains.  chains of flowers.  chains of love.  chains that lift me up, not weigh me down.

its been a process, with lots of ups and downs.  but what i realized this morning is that i'm still happy.  and its a different kind of happiness, because i know its going to last.  because i know that my God makes all things work together for my good.  and if i don't find joy in that, then i'm just blind.

i can see today.

i can see.

full.

God has filled the desire.  i'm no longer tempted.  finally, i've let Him take control of something in my life.  It might be small, but its important.

mercy.

i think i've about used up my allotment of mercy.  ok, not really, but sometimes it just feels like God gets me through things that i do not deserve.  i don't even want to imagine what my life would be like without His mercy or grace.

{{running on 6 hours of sleep for the past 3 days, too much caffeine, and a whole lot of prayer}}. 

drifting.

I'm in one of those drifting phases again. I'm not doing anything wrong, like getting wildly drunk and making out with strangers. But my focus just isn't on Christ lately. I used to read my Bible every night, and I miss it.  It distresses me that my school work and social life becomes such a block to my relationship with Christ.  For example, not doing my homework for an hour to talk with a friend who just needed to talk, and saying to myself, "its ok that you're not studying for your test, this conversation is more important," but then having to stay up an hour later and being too tired to even think about Jesus when I get in bed.  Or celebrating a friend's 21st birthday outside the library for about 20 minutes with all your abroad friends...should that 20 minutes have been focused on the Lord instead?

God has been so faithful, ever-present, supportive...have I been filling my heart with Him lately?  No.

And that's what I'll work on this week.

progress

i know i've made progress in the past few weeks.

why?

because you shutting me out isn't as nearly distressing as it used to be.

yes, it "sent me tumbling" for about an hour yesterday.  

but then i was over it.

that doesn't mean i don't love you and don't want to be in your life.

it just means that right now, you're the one with the issue.

i can't change that.

i can't control your behavior; i can only control my own.

i can't force you to be my friend again.

all i can do is peacefully, patiently, understandingly love you from afar.

i'll be here when you figure it out.

naive

well, i thought i was over it.

but moments like that just send me tumbling.

Hey God?


its Yours. Don't let me take it back.

Why I love my ADPi.

This week (yes, even though its only Tuesday) I've been spending more time with my sisters than almost ever before.  This is due to the fact that this week is Sigma Chi's big philanthropy week, and one of the biggest events is Airbands.  Airbands is a dance competition between all the sororities, and ADPi came in second last year...after only about a week or two of practice.

This year, we've been working really hard so we can come in first.  This involves hours and hours of dance practice (I think we've logged about 6 so far this week?)  So, that's why I've been spending so much time with my sisters. 

Originally, I thought Airbands was going to stress me out because I felt like I was not going to have time to practice.  However, I've just found ways to make time.  And I'm loving it.

Its a little something that I'm doing for myself, something fun that has brought me closer to a lot of girls I didn't used to know very well.  And, the dances are super fun and I get to shake what my momma gave me and be pretty darn sexy, if I do say so myself.  The "OMG the chaplain just did that!" jokes are endless, and I love it. 

In a time when I'd been feeling kind of alone, my sisters, without even knowing it, have been an oasis for me.  But, when I really think about it, I realize that it's not an just an oasis.

Its the end of the desert.

stages for us to pass.

everyone changes.

everyone grows.

everyone grows apart.

thank God I know who I am.