way.

as Rob Bell puts it:

"As a Christian, I am simply trying to orient myself around living a particular kind of way, the kind of way that Jesus taught is possible.  And I think that the way of Jesus is the best possible way to live.

This isn't irrational or primitive or blind faith.  It is merely being honest that we all are living a "way."

I'm convinced being generous is a better way to live.

I'm convinced forgiving people and not carrying around bitterness is a better way to live.

I'm convinced having compassion is a better way to live.

I'm convinced pursuing peace in every situation is a better way to live. 

I'm convinced listening to the wisdom of others is a better way to live.

I'm convinced being honest with people is a better way to live.

This way of thinking isn't weird or strange; it is simply acknowledging that everybody follows somebody, and I'm trying to follow Jesus."

((Velvet Elvis))

wholly.

above everything else, this summer i have learned that i cannot live my faith halfway anymore.  its got to be all or nothing.  God has been showing me all summer long that i've got to change my heart, change my focus, change my behavior.  this life is not about the grades, the money, the appearances, the popularity, or the parties.  this life is about the love, the service, the humility, the prayer, and the commitment to Christ.

up until now, i've justified a halfway faith by trying to love certain people, serving when its convenient, being humble when it makes me look good, praying only in the hard times, and being committed only when it doesn't challenge those around me.

no more.

Christ is calling me to more than that.  i've heard the call all along, i've just been good a listening halfway.  But after this summer, i'm ready to completely listen with open ears and an open heart.  Experiences at Bible study, in the office, in Philly, in the quiet moments of prayer, in the conversations, in the laughter, in the tears...

its always the same:  you cannot be whole unless you wholly listen.

here i am.

home.

i have one, unlike so many of the people i served this past week.

i'm home to my air conditioning, my stocked refrigerator, my whole family, my bed, my shower, my giant closet full of clothes.

privilege has taken on a whole new meaning after last week.  I am more than privileged.  

more stories to come.

check.

What you should bring to Philly:
work shirts.
work pants.
work shorts (one pair, past fingertip length).
appropriate clothes.
pillow.
sleeping bag.
toiletries.
camera.
camera charger.
phone charger.
Bible.
pen.
journal.
waterbottle.

What you might need for Philly:
Daddy in the ER at 11pm (one large kidney stone).
no sleep (rise time estimated to be 4:30am).
prayers.
patience.
trust.
joy.

yep, got it all.

See you Saturday.

answer.

proverbs 4:23

pattern.

its the same, over and over.  and i'm tired of it.  even though its different now than it was a year ago, its still the same.  why, even after everything that i've experienced, does this still steal my heart away faster than anything else?  never once in my entire life has this pursuit brought me anything but pain, so how have i ended up in this same place again?  i guess its better that i'm recognizing it this time.  maybe i can work harder to stop it.  but i feel that even if i fight against it, i'll still end up falling too fast, daydreaming too much, and getting punched in the face by reality.

maybe i need to go to a convent.

theme.

I've been listening to theme songs all night; movie theme songs like Gone With The Wind, Forrest Gump and  TV Show theme songs like TMNT and 7th Heaven.  This odd choice in music began as I searched for songs to fill a "Name That Tune" CD for a mission trip beginning Saturday.  As I googled "best theme songs"  and asked my mom for ideas, though, I realized just how much these simple songs mean to me. 

I remember singing the Full House theme song with my best friend in middle school as we watched episodes on Saturday morning.  What about all those times my sister and I danced to "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic, or the afternoons I spent watching Pokemon with my brother?  And of course, all the theme songs from the movies my parents showed us:  Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and the Pink Panther.  Even today, I try to remember exactly how the Brady Bunch theme song goes so I can sing it to Brooks.  There are also the theme songs that belong to my generation, like Harry Potter.  And Disney is a class all on its own.

Music is such a beautiful gift.  Even those songs that we think don't really matter define countless moments in our lives.  A laugh, a cry, a prayer, a wish, an argument...all can be held in a song. 

What will my theme song be?

grace.

isn't it beautiful that i never have to be that again?

fortress.

 it feels like nothing is certain;
but of two things I am certain.


Satan knows exactly where he can get a hold of my heart to rip it to shreds;
but Christ is unfailingly putting the pieces back together.

God knows.

When I have no faith, God gives me people that have faith in me and for me.

He knows my needs before I do.

He knows.

It is amazing how a wounded ego can raise millions of doubts, millions of questions, millions of tears.

But, for all those millions, it only takes "one" to make it better.

One conversation with my mom.

One email with words of advice, support, and encouragement.

One wall post.

One thunderstorm.

One (longggg) prayer.

One Savior.

moi.

Personne n'existe sauf moi.  

Je vis.
Je pense.
Je respire.
Respire mon propre égoïsme.

Je me demande:
Où est ton cœur? 
Si c’étais toi…
Si c’étais moi…
Je serais fâchée, blessée, brulée.

Il faut penser.

Il faut faire attention.

Il faut…il faut…il faut…il faut quoi ?
Arrêter ?
Refuser?

Je ne sais pas.
Je sais pas.
Je sais.
Je sais.
Je sais.
Sais.
Savoir.

Est-ce qu’on peut vraiment savoir ?
Ou connaître ?
Je voudrais seulement le connaître, oui ?

Non.
Je me connais.
Je me connais assez de savoir que je veux plus.

Feu.

dangerous ground.

i say that others are on it, but i'm too blind, too selfish, too stubborn to admit that i'm walking a far more unsteady line. 

in some ways, i cannot blame myself for wanting to play with fire, for wanting to reach for it, for just simply wanting it...i'm human, and its not anything out of the ordinary.  but, i know in my heart that i'm being selfish, arrogant, and completely unfair.

where is Christ's compassionate heart within me? 

after all, i should listen: put others first.

why?

looking through pictures from abroad always means I'm in a mood.

I've been looking through pictures from abroad for the last hour.

but why?  where did the mood come from?

grrr.

mess.

Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way


((Matthew West))

let me hear.

I've never felt exhaustion like this, even after three years of college.  the last five days have been a whirlwind, but a whirlwind that i would not trade for anything in this world.  finally, i've made deeper connections.  finally, i know names, faces, and places.  finally, i feel at home.

and not just at home at First Pres, but at home in the city of Winston.  i saw more of Winston in the past five days than in the past three years.  it really threw me into the sharp reality that, as much as i might try to deny it, Wake Forest is a bubble.

there is so much more to this life than what Wake shoves down my throat, and relationships begun in Christ are more fulfilling than relationships begun in convenience or proximity.

in the end, its the late night jam sessions that show a little bit of our hearts and vulnerabilities.  its the early mornings and fellowship around the breakfast table.  its the honest conversations.  its the reality of our sin and the communion that reminds us of the sacrifice.  its the laughter at clean jokes.  its the flow.  its the heart, soul, and mind that is fighting its hardest to say centered on Christ.  its the youth who are trying so hard to love Jesus in a world that tells them not to.  its the leaders who have led me more than they've led the high schoolers.  its the "two weeks" and "chairolyn."  its the service.  its the Savior.

in the end, its all of this that is going to matter.

let me hear.