no more.

i've gotten lazy.

i'm living that comfortable and easy faith again.

Christ's life is not my breath anymore, and i need to wake up and realize i'm drowning without it.

this was my commitment last year, and so i will make it again:

no more half-way.

truth.

"the whole 'you complete me' idea...its a lie.  absolutely a lie.  the only one who will ever complete me is Jesus."

a hard but oh-so-truthful reminder about where and with who my true completion lies.

i might love a man, but Jesus gets my heart.

turn the other cheek.

that's what i'm trying so hard to do.

but i'm just about tired of it, and i'm finding that i've turned the other cheek so darn much i'm not quite sure where i am in relation to her anymore.

this feels exactly like the road i went down before with CNH, and i can't do it again.

but how to avoid it?

oops.

and that was definitely one of those "Oh shit I shouldn't have said that" moments.

especially considering the subject.

striking out.

and the rejections keep coming.

and there are no youth ministry positions available.

and the qualifications don't match.

and there is no end to the rising panic i'm feeling.

but it just has to work out.  i'm not done with this just yet.  


God, its all on You.  I'm not enough on my own.

comfort.

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me, where will you run?
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


--Tenth Avenue North

discovery.

Peter Bradley Adams.

have a listen.

tiny bit.

continual conversation with God all day long.  Instead of paying attention in classes, simply continual prayer.

it's a bit brighter inside me now.

soulsick.

grumpy.
sad.
scared.
distant.
lonely.

why can't i shake it?  will i ruin everything because i constantly project my darkness onto others, let it affect my relationships with literally everyone and everything?

when did this start?  i'd like to say it all started this weekend, after the accident and learning about my grandma...but now that i'm in the middle of it, it feels like its been building for so much longer.

why am i hurting so much?  and why do i make myself hurt more by acting out my pain?

God, shine it away.  please.  i need some light.  don't let me ruin everything.  please.  i can't do it on my own.