overdue.

finallyyyyy unpacking my last bags and boxes from moving out of school. 

i am suchhhh a packrat.  i mean, i've got stuff here that never made it anywhere except under my bed in my dorm room.  why do i still have it?

sometimes, i think cleaning is one of the most therapeutic activities for me.  i normally don't do it, so when i'm in a bad mood there's always a lot for me to clean.

i'm not exactly sure where this mood came from, but it's going to result in the cleanest room i've ever had.

chocolate chip banana pancakes

friendship takes all shapes and forms.

this morning, it was pancakes, milk, and One Tree Hill.

shoo

this whole trouble sleeping business has got to go. 

seriously.  tossed and turned til 3am.  why?

probably because my darn mind races too much.

best.

the best parts of my visit with my grandparents:

watching a chick flick on the plane with Dad and him laughing more at some things than I did.
seeing Grandma cry as she got out of the car to hug Dad.
two goats living in an old house 200 feet from the swanky retirement home.
Grandpa's garden.
eating rhubarb with Dad.
Grandpa trying to lead me through the men's locker room just to show me the tiny pool.
"HOLY CHRISTMAS!"
Grandma complaining that her new bras were like unibras and that she'd rather just get pasties.
hearing Dad call, "Goodnight Mom.  Goodnight Dad."
car shopping with the cheapest (but wealthiest) Grandpa in the world.
buying 5 lotto tickets and only getting one number right.
the market.
cutting coupons from the Sunday paper with Grandma.
the food (boiled dinner, smoked turkey, whoopie pies).
Dad trying to spell whoopie pie and saying, "W-H-O-P-P-E."

realizing how blessed I am to live in the same house with my parents, while my Dad lives on the opposite side of the country from his.

genesis.

"I think this is the best known story [Cain&Abel] in the world because it is everybody's story.  I think it is the symbol story of the human soul....I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection.  And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt-- and there is the story of mankind."  ((Lee))
...
"Isn't it too simple?  I'm always afraid of simple things."  ((Adam))
...
"Don't think it will ever die.  Don't expect it.  Are you better than other men?  I tell you it won't ever die until you do." ((Samuel))
... 
E.o.E. Chapter 22 ((one of the greatest chapters in all of American literature))

it is amazing what a weekend away, some solitary prayer, and a good book will do for the soul.

this is my new beginning.  my new transparency brought to life.  my new desire.  my new summer.  my new fears.  my new faith.  my new hopes.  my new dreams.

my new heart.

family.

its what matters most in the entire world.

alarm: 3:30am
plane: 6:00am
destination: Washington

see you on Monday.

+

no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world.

--Florence + The Machine

tomorrow.

breakfast&prayer.
music&run.
driving&target.
charging&packing.

love&laughter.

edge of eden.

even though the timing is all wrong, the feelings are just right.  now i know what i'm supposed to learn from this.  after being treated the way i've been treated by too many in my life over the past year, now i know how it feels to be respected and to have someone truly care for me. 

i had a conversation with best friend/roommate/amazing confidante/Mer-Mer just about a month ago in which i talked about how this past year has taught me what i truly, truly, want.   now, i have a glimpse of what that feels like.

i know that in His own way, God is teaching me perhaps more this time than in any of the other times combined.  He's teaching me that i am worth more than what i've settled for in the past; that i am more than the person i became with any of the rest of them; that i am stronger than i've let myself be; and, at the very least, that i've got so much to look forward to as i stop looking back.

i'm heading for the edge of eden.  a place of peace, acceptance, and joy.  the next year is going to be hard, i know.  its going to bring new challenges, new fears, and new sadness. but my heart is full of the right things now.  and the next time it feels empty, i know where the real fountain springs from, and that its eternal waters will always, always fill me.

timing.

it was all perfection.

the sand. the stars. the wind off the ocean. 

it'd been in my mind for a few weeks now, and about 3 hours into the evening I just had a feeling it would happen. 

and it happened perfectly. 

except for one thing.  timing.  yes, we agreed.  we know what it is.  and i'm glad for everything and wouldn't change a thing.  but it hit me today in the car that after Monday, it could be over a year until i see him again.  and it just makes me sad.  finally, someone who is what i've wanted.  who matches well with my list.  someone who respects me.

but the timing.  seriously?  What's this one supposed to teach me?

brush off the dust.

opened up my violin case tonight for the first time in about a year.  sadly, half of the hairs on my bow have snapped, so here's hoping it'll last through the summer so i can just invest in a new bow and new strings all at the same time come August.

i forgotten how much i love the smell of my violin.  i know that seems weird, but there is something about the smell of the wood, the rosin, and the fabric of the case all rolled into one that just brings back so many memories. 

i went to an irish fiddle camp one summer.  hippies, the mountains, laughing yoga, singing, morning and evening jam sessions...what a week.  can't til my fingers can once again fly across the strings as i play a reel or a jig.

paint.

halfway done with my first art project of the summer.  the "vintage" jewelry box has been sanded down, repainted, and sanded again.  i've painted a few words, flowers, and even a little red ladybug on the top.  its starting to look like one of those obnoxious crafts you buy at art fairs from the ladies who wear handmade vests with puffball animals on them, but i kind of like it.  the ladybug might have to go though ((seriously)).

there's something nice about painting.  i used to take art classes when i was younger, and i've messed around on canvases a few times since then.  but this is different.  because i'm making something i'm going to use every day.  i'm kind of childishly excited about it.  but i want this summer to really mean something, more so than my past summers.  and right now, that's measured in simplistic art projects that just let me have fun.  its also measured in novels. 

i had a long conversation with Mary today about how all of the books that i used to call my favorites were ones i'd literally opened and closed in high school, and they haven't been touched since.  if these books truly did define me then, enough for me to call them my favorites, how will i feel about them now?  i'm intro+ 15 pages into East of Eden by Steinbeck and can already tell its going to be so different this time around.  i'm definitely not the immature, naive junior in high school that i was when i first read this.  i'm excited to see what it will mean to me this time around.

education.

funny how my family pays a ridiculous amount of money for me to go to school when the best education i could ever learn just comes from me living life, making mistakes, and moving on.

i think i could write a book about how much i've learned (MTV, maybe a reality show?).

secondcorinthianstwelve:eightthrueleven.

lark in my heartbeat.

i got my hair cut today.  i went to Target to buy a new straightener. also bought one of those Ipod radio transmitter things for my car (finallllyyy).  bought my sweet momma a Mother's Day card, although she really deserves much much much more than that.  however, the last purchases i made were at Goodwill.  now, i'm not one of those people that has an aversion to used things.  of course, you'll never catch me buying certain used things.  but jewelry and house goods? no problem.

lately, i've been in an artsy, folk-y, earthy phase.  my music tastes have been changing.  my fashion sense feels like it is too.  i also have intense urges to spend most of my free time this summer running, practicing my violin for lessons this fall, and art-ing.  in addition to two awesome big bangles from Goodwill, i bought an old jewelry box.  Its a really deep, dark wood with a gold design on top which makes it look rather cheap.  my first art project this summer is sanding it down, cleaning it out, and repainting it.

i'm not sure what this new phase is.  i just know that this summer, i'm all about making sure i'm living the real me.  my past year was literally a roller coaster.  when i think on the end of spring semester 2009 and the summer i was heading in to, i realize how much i've changed and how much i'm still changing.  France and this past semester, while amazing for very different reasons, also brought me a lot of challenges and a lot of pain.

in my heart, though, i know this summer will be different.  God has literally thrown open the doors for me.  i have an amazing internship where i'm going to be challenged to grow mentally, socially, and spiritually.  i have the one last glorious summer at home.  i have literally almost all of my best friends in Winston, or at least in North Carolina (thanks Mary and MK for heading to Europe).  i have a list of books to read, or re-read: Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer, East of Eden by Steinbeck, Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis, The Sound and the Fury by Faulkner, at the very least.

but what makes this summer really different is me.  who i am now.  what i've learned and what i now know i want out of life.  sure, i don't have it one hundred percent figured out.  and it'll probably change again.  but this summer:

i know that God is the center.
love is my purpose.
and happiness is here to stay.

senior.

time.  its fleeting.  i'm a senior in college.

long gone are the days of running around barefoot in the sprinkler at the ripe old age of 5.

long gone are the days when my biggest worry was what mom packed for lunch that day.

long gone are the days when i wasted time on high school drama.

long gone are the days when i wondered what kissing was like.

long gone are the days when i wondered what true regret was like.

long gone are the days when i wondered what falling in love was like.

long gone are the days when i didn't know what grace was.

long gone are the days when i didn't know what mercy was.

long gone are the days.

long gone.

listen:

Darrelle London.

find her on Grooveshark. 

my new obsession?  "Two Roads"

distinct.

what i've come to learn in my three years of college is that Christianity truly is a distinct religion.  There are fundamental aspects of Christianity that every other religion lacks.

I think my point can be made in one example.

Every semester during exams, the Christian campus ministry programs always, always, always, with the help of local churches, organize study halls for students.  Churches open their doors until 2am and provide shelter, food, and peace for stressed college students.

I just spent 3 hours at Reynolda Pres with some of my favorite ladies.  We got to eat free food, drink free coffee, and study in a non-Wake environment.  We studied in the house of the Lord.  Yes, this perhaps sounds cheesey and over done, but its true.

As I sat there tonight, I was hit with the overwhelming situation that Christianity is different from all of the other religions because of things like this.  No other religion has selfless service and love so fundamentally woven into its core.  Even if that service and love is something as simple as providing cups of pistachios and giant pieces of chocolate cake to a college student who had already eaten her weight in fro yo that day, its still service and love that will not ever be found anywhere else.

little brother

you're breaking my heart.

different.

the end of this semester is going to be a really big challenge for me.

not because it's been the busiest semester of my life, but because this year, some of my close friends are graduating.  i just do not know what Wake is going to be like without them next year.  Some of these people give me the best smiles, hugs, and advice in the entire world. 

i hate goodbyes.

you got it

baby steps.

just one at a time.  but its getting there.  finally.