rocksþs.

what a beginning to the week.

dirty river water.
food poisoning.
rude people at the drive in movie.
no sleep.
moldy food.
stolen drinks.
planning for events that didn't exist.
more sweat than humanly possible.

but witnessing God's love and grace in all of it makes it all oh-so-beautiful.


There is no one like You, God.

brandon.

i think i know a little something about determination, or commitment, or trust.  not even close.  today i met brandon.  he's 8 months into a 15 month addiction recovery program.  he has a heart of gold, and its on fire for Christ.

what beautiful messes we all are.

brandon's mess is his addiction, which has cost him relationships with almost every member of his family.  he is voluntarily, wholeheartedly, vulnerably working through his mess.  today, my mess is that i'm scared to be quiet and listen to God because i don't want to hear what He has to say.  and what am i doing?  blogging.

oh, that i could learn but a little from brandon.

slipping.

my peace, my content heart, my patience...

its slipping.

alas, how easily the woes of this world eat at our hearts and our faith.

one day...

...i'll have enough money to buy myself a really great camera.  but for now, i'm satisfied.

((the garden, National Cathedral, June 2010))

Bloodline.

She heard heaven is invite-only,
Reserved for Christian soldiers,
Not unwed girls living in the city asking for change from strangers.
But father said Jesus loves her even though she never married,
God loves her more than the Christians do.

She's part of His holy bloodline.
She got saved in the bloodline.
The price He paid for the bloodline changed her life,
She cries at night and keeps alive His bloodline.
She believes in the bloodline,
Lives and breathes by the bloodline,
With all her might she cries at night and keeps alive His bloodline.


((matt morris)

Oh, my God...

is there ever an end to Your mysteries?  to Your surprises?  to Your blessings?

Your faithfulness to me is indeed like an evergreen cyprus.  And what amazes me even more...if I thought I understood what it was to love You in the past six months, the past three weeks have shown me more than double that weak understanding.  So, how much more promise do the next three weeks hold?  The next three months?  The next three years?

today, I shared another amazing moment with my best friend, even from across the ocean.  I grew closer to my co-workers, even though all we did was drive to get french fries and laugh about cling wrap.  I talked about real faith and real life in You with two girls who taught me more than what I sometimes learn in weeks, even though it was only two hours.

You are this everlasting, ever-present, ever-constant, ever-gracious mystery that I cannot help but yearn for with all my heart.

and its the best I've felt in almost 21 years.

cling wrap.

"It took me a long time to feel safe in this unpredictable climate, and I still have moments in which I clamp down and tell everyone to shut up, get in line, listen to me, and believe in what I say.  But I am also getting in touch with the mystery that leadership, for a large part, means being led.  I discover that I am learning many new things, not just about the pains and struggles of wounded people, but also about their unique gifts and graces.  They teach me about joy and peace, love and care and prayer -- what I could never have learned in any academy.  They also teach me what nobody else could have taught me, about grief and violence, fear and indifference.  Most of all, they give me a glimpse of God's first love, often at moments when I start feeling depressed and discouraged."

Henri  Nouwen

different kind of hold on my heart.

from the moment I woke up this morning, I was just flustered.  I was tired, running late, and had a million things on my mind.  I show up to the church to grab the credit card so I can go get breakfast for everyone, and the building is locked.  It takes me 5 minutes and lots of cursing to get the code right (and I think an old man was about to call the police on me).  Then, halfway to Krispy Kreme, I realize I've forgotten the discount cards.  When buying juice, I realize I've forgotten to check the refrigerator to see if there was juice left over from last week, so I have no idea how much juice to buy.  I finally get back to the church and try to settle in for Sunday School.  The kids are more in to eating doughnuts than meeting me (no surprise).  One of the church members was asked to give his testimony today, but I focus on only about 10 minutes of it because I'm too busy trying to think about the testimony I've been asked to give at the end of the summer.  After Sunday School, I head to worship.  For some reason, instead of being in the spirit of worship, I find myself dwelling in the worst memories I have of the past 6 months.  New Year's, failing friendship, counseling, and literally every other miserable moment my memories could find.  I sit in service just feeling waves of guilt and sadness, mixed in with frustrations about why these memories were resurfacing now.

and then I realize.

Marissa told us on our first day to be right with God before we come into work in the morning.  If we're not, Satan can find his way in and throw everything off.

That was it.  Satan took advantage of my flustered, weak mind and heart and jumped right in, ready to make me feel worthless and sad and far from Christ.  I never used to really think of Satan as a real and active being, but the more I let Christ be a real and active being in my life, the more I'm aware of Satan's presence and power.  and he's strong.

But not stronger than Christ, who fills me with peace, happiness, and love.

and the ability to be goofy.

saturday.

cleaning.
thrifting.
running.

praise.

praise for a summer about Him (as long as I keep that focus).

praise for Carolyn (it is no small coincidence we share a corner, let alone the same name).

praise for sunshine (even when it gives sunburn).

praise for Brooks (if only I could love like she does).

praise for perspective (whenever it comes along).

praise for my family (I really am happy to have one more summer at home).

praise for healing (one step at a time).

praise for music (currently: Jakob Dylan).

praise for grace (where would I be without it?).


today was a good day.

perspective.

sometimes i wonder why in the world i still care about you.

i have so many other people who, even after hard times, still treat me better.

i need to learn the art of putting things in perspective.

why i love my mother.

(watching tv, random movie commercial comes on)

Mom:  You know what I just don't understand?  That movie Killers or whatever.  Why would anyone want to see that?  The name just sounds gross.  People only want to see it because Allan Keutchners is it in.  He's not an actor, he's just an idiot.  He played on That dumb 70's Show.

legitimately laughed so hard i cried.

poetry for the week.

 Then shall I leap into love

I cannot dance, Lord, unless you lead me.
If you want me to leap with abandon,
You must intone the song.
Then I shall leap into love,
From love into knowledge,
From knowledge into enjoyment,
And from enjoyment beyond all human sensations.
There I want to remain, yet want also to circle higher still.

~

Effortlessly

Effortlessly,
Love flows from God into man,
Like a bird
Who rivers the air
Without moving her wings.
Thus we move in His world
One in body and soul,
Though outwardly separate in form.
As the Source strikes the note,
Humanity sings --
The Holy Spirit is our harpist,
And all strings
Which are touched in Love
Must sound.

~

God speaks to the Soul

And God said to the soul:
I desired you before the world began.
I desire you now
As you desire me.
And where the desires of two come together
There love is perfected

 

 The Soul speaks to God

Lord, you are my lover,
My longing,
My flowing stream,
My sun,
And I am your reflection.

How God Answers the Soul
It is my nature that makes me love you often,
For I am love itself.
It is my longing that makes me love you intensely,
For I yearn to be loved from the heart.
It is my eternity that makes me love you long,
For I have no end.
 ~

mystic poetry by Mechthild of Magdeburg, 12th century

soul

I was a soul
Stranded in bones
I was dream too afraid to dream without you
But now

I want to chase the daylight like it's the last day of my life
I want to run hide myself in the sun and feel all these fears melt away
And I will never look back, no, I will never look back
I'm gonna live this life chasing the daylight

There are still arrows in my heart
There are still times I fall apart
And all I am left with is why's
But then your love falls like a heavy rain
And I don't feel the pain when you're by my side

So open up the sky
And open up my eyes
Open up the sky tonight

--Phillip LaRue

if there were only words for this summer.  if only.  its blowing my mind already and i've worked less than a week.

community.  friendship.  love.  heart.  soul.

change.

luck

pops and i keep playing the lottery.

and we're winning nothing.

although, thats the least of my worries tonight.

left my house at 8:30am. didn't get home til almost 10pm.  packing, stressing, packing, devotion planning, blahhhh.  i'm tired of traveling.

D.C. for the weekend.

better than a hallelujah.

what a long first day.  in the car on the way home, i realized how much this summer is going to challenge me.  as the tears streamed down my face, i cried out to the Lord as i realized that the love story i've been searching for will not be found anywhere but in Him.  As my heart broke for my love of this world, i realized how much i have to change and how much i have to let go.

why does it hurt so much to realize that the only one who will love me the way i long to be loved is Jesus?  is it because i cannot feel His presence all the time?  is it because he won't text me or call me just to tell me He loves me?  is it because He cannot physically hold me the way i want to be held?

in part, yes.  but honestly, i think what hurts is that i'm realizing how much the world pales in comparison to Christ.  and when the world is mainly what i've lived for almost 21 years, it hurts more than a little to let that go.

this summer is going to be a series of ups and downs, but not for the same reasons that used to create such a pattern in my life.  no, this summer is going to be a series of ups and downs as i struggle to let myself completely, totally, unbelievably fall head over heels in love with Christ.

"We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are!
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah."