gahhhhh.

i'm so selfish and SO vain, but i just cannot help it...

i should be walking out on that field during Homecoming weekend.  i reallyyy am still confused as to how you beat me.

potential.

There is so much of it in the air.  My life is ripe with it.

God, here's to the coming ride.  Keep me centered, grounded, faithful, and focused.

It is Your ride, after all.

Thanks for letting me climb on.

story.

"...do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way [you] will lay up treasure for [yourself] as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that [you] may take hold of the life that is truly life."  1 Timothy 6: 18-19

 

 

I'm home.  I'm exhausted after such a weekend (EXTREME!) but I'm so much at peace.  Montreat is one of my favorite places in the world, maybe my favorite place of all time, and it was absolutely amazing to go this weekend and experience it in such a different context that actually ended up being kind of the same.

The last time, I was the student.  I was there to have fun with friends.  I was there to learn about Jesus.  This time, I was the leader.  I was there to have fun with the students, but also be the discipline.  I was there to share Jesus.

In the end though, I guess I will always be a student having fun and learning about Jesus.  That is a process that never ends, and in some ways, it was even stronger this weekend.  Watching "my" high schoolers emcee, win games, lead worship, laugh with/at me, and love each other...that, my friends, is what Jesus wants.

We spent time discussing story.  My story, their story, our story...and how it is all the story of Jesus.  He is our ultimate, extreme reality: a reality that completely transforms our story into one that casts Him as the main character.  We are simply blessed enough to be the extras, the back-up dancers, the prop-masters...and what an amazing time we have putting on a show that demonstrates our purpose and His unconditional love.

My prayer, which tonight is coming from a content and peaceful heart, is that I will be brave enough to serve the purpose for which I was created...that I faithfully play the role of Carolyn, meaning "joy" or "song of happiness"...that I take hold of the life that is truly life...that I let Jesus be my main character.

desperation.

weekend, i need you to come faster.

actually, that cry is more appropriately:  weekend of worship and fellowship in the mountains of North Carolina, i need you to come faster.

and thatttt cry is more appropriately: Jesus, i need you.

so badly.  the last few days...seriously.  where in the world has this come from?

cycle.

something always brings me back to you.

it never takes too long.

gravity.

it's just one of those things.

just don't.  you yourself have admitted that you're vain and selfish.

if you know it...why do you continue?

in addition to embarrassing me at my own party, you blatantly  told me, "oh its probably better not to wonder." 

how dare you tell me that when i know that if you were in my situation, you'd be more than all over it.

hell, if it was you, you'd be trying your absolute hardest to make it happen.

so drop the double standard and get over yourself.

(i hate being this frustrated with someone who is supposed to be a best friend)

(some of) my last thoughts of underage.

sick.
studying for a test.
baking cookies i don't get to eat (mostly).
listening to Kara talk to her Dad.
thinking of someone i haven't thought of in a reallyyyyy long time.
remembering my last birthday.
feeling a certain sadness about time passing.
wondering how much a few hours will actually change.

but in addition to all of this...
recognizing that i'm growing up. 
realizing that time dances a quick-step that we cannot stop. 
praying with every ounce of strength that i become better in this year than i was in the last.
trusting God with my whole heart.

believing, with more confidence than ever, that I am who I am for a reason, that I am where I am for a reason, and that my life will happen as it will happen for a reason. 

Give it to God.  And don't take it back.

kaleidoscope heart.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no,
Waiting for the road to be laid.
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out .

Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere.

((Uncharted by Sara Bareilles))

number one.

here it comes.

the first breakdown of senior year.

I know God's got it.  I mean, I walk (or should I say run?) around continually praying for peace and strength and health and good time management.

But tonight, I think I just need to freak a bit.

Maybe I'll feel better afterwards.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe I don't even know what to feel anymore.

grace and peace to you...

Lord, I'm in serious need of grace and peace tonight.

make that today.

actually, make that all week.

Why did senior year become an out-of-control stress spiral in week three?

and this is how i know.

you were once so much to me, but now it all feels like a dream.  maybe one day, it'll be reality again.  but for now, i'm content with it being only a memory.
God has placed too many others- too many wonderful, whole, selfless others- in my life here at Wake for me to be sad that you're not one of them anymore.

that being said, i guess you never really were any of those things.

i pray for you, and hope you've found happiness.  but i know now that i'm just fine not being a part of it.

i i i i .

four eyes.  for the next month.

my eyes are so sensitive (since when?) and are therefore so irritated i can't wear glasses for a month while i load them with eye drops every day.

i know that it is silly, selfish, and prideful...but i just do not like my glasses.

maybe i can learn some humility from this.