legit.

one of the hardest weekends of my life.

Watched this just now and cried like a baby.  If God brought the great multitude of his people out of slavery,  through the wilderness and into the Promised Land, then surely He will bring me through my weakness, fear, and anxiety about the future.

Adonai!

moments.

so simple, and yet so indicative of what i want the rest of my life to look like.

just can't help it.

you told me we'll cross the bridges when we come to them.

i cannot help but worry anyway.  and yes, i am trying my darndest to hand it over to God, to just completely fall into His promises and love.

but i am human. and i am terrified.

beauty.

Sometimes you never know what role you will play in someone else's life.

Sometimes you're surprised how you find God in the places you did not expect.

Sometimes you don't know just how much He's going to work in your life until you let Him.

make a joyful noise.

very much on my heart tonight.

slipping off my solid rock.

my heart needs to burn for Him before it burns for anyone else.  i've been neglecting this truth lately, and i'm beginning to feel it.  i know where this road goes, and it is not to a place i want to revisit.

i know that this time, it is unbelievably different.  this time it is more pure, more centered, more grounded, and actually reciprocal.  but regardless of all of that, it cannot take the place of my love and desire for Christ.

Christ is my foundation, my solid rock.  I might need to be caught by others if i'm struggling, if i'm slipping...but they cannot be what holds me up.

My life and my heart are for Christ.  Everyone (and everything) else comes second.

"All I need is You."

sappppp.

occasionally i'll sit and read through old blog posts.  and by occasionally, i mean when i'm bored and facebook doesn't have anything interesting on it.  in this instance, its 9:30 and my 9:00 class was let out 40 minutes early.  no lie (tennis was definitelyyyy a good choice).  what i'm realizing today is the extreme sappiness of so many of my blog posts.  i mean, i recognize that i am an emotional person for sure.  i can't watch some movie trailers without tearing up, and i'll vent more easily than most people will when i'm in a bad mood.  i'm also a pretty regular complainer, something i know i need to work on.  regardless, today i am thankful for my blog.  it sounds silly, but its a great journal/friend/emotion catcher.  i like that i can record events of my life here, and  for some reason it feels easier than writing in a journal (although i still do that too).  and yes, on some days my blog does feel like a friend...it is incredibly cathartic to literally write out whatever i want, full knowing that very few people will ever read it.  it is also a great place to put exciting things, all things, that i am feeling, thinking, experiencing...everything.  and of course, everything turns out to be sappy, in the end.  at least i seem to turn it that way.  but you know what? i kinda like it.  and its not going anywhere anytime soon.

quote on my teabag.

"real happiness lies in that which never comes nor goes, but simply is."

time.

Grandma has 3 months, doctors say.

Daddy says Grandpa won't last the year.

I was expecting that it would start coming all at once, given I'm still blessed with all four grandparents.

What I did not expect was to feel so distant and removed, yet torn apart at the same time.

pattern.

once.
twice.
it cannot happen a third time.

Where is my conviction?  My will power to listen?

beginning of the end.

if i think about it too much, it'll be come a reality...but tonight it is staring me in the face.

this is it.  the end.  i'm less than five months away from a life that is yet to be determined.

i am terrified.

where?  doing what?  with who?  with him?  how?



will i be happy like i am now?

whole.

i came into 2010 utterly torn apart and lost.  alcohol, a broken heart, and no sense of faith or self sent me straight to rock bottom.

but you know what rock bottom became?  a foundation.


if i could put into words how beautiful this past year has been, i would.  it has been a year full of struggles, mistakes, and failures to be sure, but it was without a doubt my year of self-discovery.

when i look back on my life, 2010 will undoubtedly remain the year that shaped Carolyn Marie St. Cyr, a young woman who learned that Jesus is life, not merely an addition to it, and that her heart needed to belong to Him if it was ever going to belong to anyone at all.  She learned that Jesus had placed so many people in her life that would move and grow along with her, support her, guide her, love her, and laugh with her.  She learned humility, patience, gratefulness, and peace, and is still learning all of those things today.  She began to trust in the Lord with her whole heart and soul, not merely in word and deed.  She recognized that everything she learned will be a continuing lesson to be relearned over and over again during her journey.

i come into 2011 whole.  faith, a heart that is starting to love again, and a much stronger sense of self are building my future.  i owe it all to Jesus and those people that He has placed in my life who support me  regardless of my failures.  in particular: mgjgc. kkp. mkw. kvy. nad. cer. hmg. sms+sws+les+sms.

i know i have yet before me lots of growth, lots of struggles, lots of mistakes, and lots of pain, but here's to a new year that is beginning in the right way.  Oh Father God, what amazing things you have in store for me.  Thank You for 2010...it's shaping 2011.

yes, please.

annual watching of The Lord of the Rings Series: Extended Editions?

rainy day, comfy couch, and honey's sweatpants.

don't mind if I do.