Blah. If I'm not stressing about one thing, it's about another. I know that I only want to be at LivingSocial for about a year, tops. But what after that? And where? DC has been a great four months so far (all things considered) but I don't think that it is my forever-place.
I can't go to grad school in fall 2012 because I didn't take the GRE. But I don't want to sit around forever not knowing what to be planning for. Do I plan for school or for a new job?
So many decisions that are coming so quickly upon me.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
healing.
it comes in waves, and from the strangest of places. i was searching my gmail for Amtrak confirmation for my ticket for Friday morning.
5 entries came up. One of them? one of our forever long gchats, just like we always used to do. and something in me said, "go ahead, just read it." so i did. And as i read, i began to realize something.
what we had? it was so real. i think i've spent the past 3 months searching for the holes, feeling like a fool, and wondering how in the world i could have been so blind. but i wasn't blind, and reading through that random chat about the cheapest way to get from NC to PA proved to me that i was so very right to make the choice that i did. moving here has been hard, but it was the right choice, even if it was all for him. and it was not a year wasted, as i've so often wondered over the past few months. oh no, not wasted at all.
the love was real, even though it didn't last. its true that it has forever altered the course of my life in a way that i never expected, but tonight my heart is rejoicing that i am being blessed with yet another insight into the work that the Lord is breathing into my life.
my heart is peaceful and much closer to whole than it was even yesterday.
5 entries came up. One of them? one of our forever long gchats, just like we always used to do. and something in me said, "go ahead, just read it." so i did. And as i read, i began to realize something.
what we had? it was so real. i think i've spent the past 3 months searching for the holes, feeling like a fool, and wondering how in the world i could have been so blind. but i wasn't blind, and reading through that random chat about the cheapest way to get from NC to PA proved to me that i was so very right to make the choice that i did. moving here has been hard, but it was the right choice, even if it was all for him. and it was not a year wasted, as i've so often wondered over the past few months. oh no, not wasted at all.
the love was real, even though it didn't last. its true that it has forever altered the course of my life in a way that i never expected, but tonight my heart is rejoicing that i am being blessed with yet another insight into the work that the Lord is breathing into my life.
my heart is peaceful and much closer to whole than it was even yesterday.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
bent.
If I bent like you said was best
Would that change a thing?
If I spent myself what’s left
Would you still leave me here?
You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should i thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be
Cause I remember you best
Hating all the girls who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself
Every car crash, every misstep, every word
You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be
Always be
Would that change a thing?
If I spent myself what’s left
Would you still leave me here?
You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should i thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be
Cause I remember you best
Hating all the girls who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself
Every car crash, every misstep, every word
You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be
Always be
Thursday, December 15, 2011
get it gone.
this idea that i have to be the one served, that i have to be the one they reach out to, that i deserve their premier attention and thought?
only setting myself up for disappointment, because i'm not the one that needs to be ministered to anymore. i need to stop waiting for them to change and instead seek their hearts. i say that not from a place of self-importance but instead a place of strength.
why should i continue to be disappointed that they never seek out me and my company? why not view it instead as a chance to reach their hearts? i have been blessed with maturity and grace and a fresh perspective. why not share it?
Lord have mercy, but i sure do need to let you take control of some more things in my life.
only setting myself up for disappointment, because i'm not the one that needs to be ministered to anymore. i need to stop waiting for them to change and instead seek their hearts. i say that not from a place of self-importance but instead a place of strength.
why should i continue to be disappointed that they never seek out me and my company? why not view it instead as a chance to reach their hearts? i have been blessed with maturity and grace and a fresh perspective. why not share it?
Lord have mercy, but i sure do need to let you take control of some more things in my life.
Monday, December 12, 2011
marissa.
i've known her such a short time and yet she feels like the truest and best of sisters. she listens, she encourages, and she speaks so much truth into my life when i need it most.
"In this season of your life, as I pray for you, "resilience" keeps coming to my mind. The Lord is bestowing favor on you. He is setting you apart, He is not withholding truth from you, He is taking this time to grow you. And I know it feels lonely. But how much fruit will be born from this season? Not everyone is chosen for a task such as this."
oh, sweet sister. how much you mean to me.
"In this season of your life, as I pray for you, "resilience" keeps coming to my mind. The Lord is bestowing favor on you. He is setting you apart, He is not withholding truth from you, He is taking this time to grow you. And I know it feels lonely. But how much fruit will be born from this season? Not everyone is chosen for a task such as this."
oh, sweet sister. how much you mean to me.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
certainty.
i know in my heart that i don't want to ever go there again.
i know in my heart that he is not the one like i thought.
i know in my heart that i am honestly and truly better with out him.
i know in my heart that i do not love him anymore.
but i have to admit...it still hurts. and i think my heart wants justice, which unfortunately is not mine to give. i think the hurt resides in the fact that remorse seems to be non-existent. i think i'm jealous of the friendship he's maintained with all our mutual friends, only because he's doing a better job at that than i am. there it is. i'm jealous that it's been so easy for him, when my selfish heart feels like i'm the one who deserves all the happiness.
i know in my heart that he is not the one like i thought.
i know in my heart that i am honestly and truly better with out him.
i know in my heart that i do not love him anymore.
but i have to admit...it still hurts. and i think my heart wants justice, which unfortunately is not mine to give. i think the hurt resides in the fact that remorse seems to be non-existent. i think i'm jealous of the friendship he's maintained with all our mutual friends, only because he's doing a better job at that than i am. there it is. i'm jealous that it's been so easy for him, when my selfish heart feels like i'm the one who deserves all the happiness.
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