move.

move on.
move forward.
move gracefully with Christ.

it was a hard road, but at least I know why I am here and not there.



stronger than the memories that cut like a knife came a million healing whispers of how beautiful, clean, and new I am.  Praise be to God.

comfort.

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close?

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

Light, light, light up the sky
You light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me.

patience.

it is not my strong point.

loss of power on Christmas Day, no internet for two days, and now now wireless...so lots of sharing the desktop with the rest of the family.


call me spoiled (i know that i am), but i am very, selfishly, frustrated.


yep, patience is not my strong point.  i'll end with that.

prophecy.

Isaiah 9

 "¹Nevertheless, there will be no more gloom for those who were in distress. In the past he humbled the land of Zebulun and the land of Naphtali, but in the future he will honor Galilee of the nations, by the Way of the Sea, beyond the Jordan—

 ² The people walking in darkness
   have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
   a light has dawned.
³ You have enlarged the nation
   and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
   as people rejoice at the harvest,
as warriors rejoice
   when dividing the plunder.
⁴ For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
   you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
   the bar across their shoulders,
   the rod of their oppressor.
⁵ Every warrior’s boot used in battle
   and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
   will be fuel for the fire.
⁶ For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
⁷ Of the greatness of his government and peace
   there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
   and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
   with justice and righteousness
   from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the LORD Almighty
   will accomplish this."

Praise be to God for the wonderful promises that He always brings into being.

weight.

Christ tries so very hard to take it from me, but sometimes I just won't let Him.


I've spent the past hour reading through my old blog...and being reminded how much of a fool I was, how convinced I was that France had completely changed me.


Little did I know, my real change would not come until the turn of the year.


Perhaps I should just delete my old blog and not be filled with these memories that hurt so much, that weigh me down.  Granted, I think the engagement news made me do a lot of thinking too, and probably led to all of this.


In any case, perhaps I should just realize that regardless of who I was, what I thought, or how I acted, Christ has made all the difference in the world.  It doesn't matter what I went through to get to Him; He was always with me.  


And, in what is eternally the beautiful and precious good news of Christ, I am a new creation.


Here's to looking forward: looking forward while being grateful for my experiences but not letting them weigh me down.  Christ, praise and all glory, took that weight.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” --Matthew 11: 28-31

new discovery.

you shall above all things be glad and young
For if you're young, whatever life you wear

it will become you; and if you are glad
whatever's living will yourself become...

...I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

--from "You shall above all things" by EE Cummings

soothe the soul.

there will be answer, let it be...

whisper words of wisdom, let it be...

let it be.

future.

Mumford and Sons Pandora station blasting through the house.

Folding clothes while he makes lunch.

I like this picture.

but I know I have to be careful.  Because in the end, its up to God and not me.  And I am trusting, even though its hard.

God knows.

so let's go with that.

in addition...

...Biltmore yesterday was absolutely wonderful.

best date hands down.

i am so very blessed, and still trying to figure out what I did to deserve all of this.

snow day.

well, more like ice day.

but regardless, there's nothing better than cuddling on the couch, eating chips and salsa, and watching Season One of Alias on DVD.

very happy to be stuck in Winston.

as the semester winds down, I cannot help but think about everything that has happened over the last year.  My heart has been singing a song that goes something like this:


When I made up my mind
And my heart along with that
To live not for myself
But yet for God, somebody said:
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

When I finally ironed out
All of my priorities
And asked God to remove the doubt
That makes me so unsure of these things I ask myself, 
I ask myself
Do you know what you are getting yourself into?

I'm getting into You 
Because You got to me in a way words can't describe
I'm getting into You 
Because I've got to be
You're essential to survive
I'm going to love You with my life

When He looked at me and said:
I kind of view you as a [daughter]
And for one second our eyes met
And I met that with a question:
Do you know what You are getting yourself into?

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to
The kind of person You deserve to worship You
You say You will not dwell on what I did but rather what I do, You say:
I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into

He said, I love you and that's what you are getting yourself into. 

promise.

that Saturday.
snow.
warmth and comfort.
but a cost.

now you know again.
and I re-know what I knew before.

Jesus paid for it all, but that does not mean we can choose whatever we'd like.

So, again, but more solid and stronger this time because we know how much it hurts: a promise.

holding back.

i'm way too scared to go there.

i desperately want to, and there are so many times when i feel like i should.

but the last time i was there, i came out utterly broken and lost.

so this time instead of jumping in and falling, i need to be led the whole way.

time flies?

i literally spent all of break in bed or on the couch, and it still flew by.

i breathed fresh air twice, when Matthew drove me to get a movie and when Mom drove me to get more medicine.

and now, its back to school already.  no more time to just lay around, nap, or watch endless movies on Netflix.  Nope, instead I get to spend my time with textbooks and notes.

two more weeks (which, honestly, is absolutely terrifying and comforting at the same time).

patience.

I had so many fun plans for break.

things to do, people to see, food to cook...I literally cursed at the sky the whole way home from the doctor yesterday.

I guess God had different plans...mono for the second time (throwback to the 6th grade!)

I already have the feeling I'm going to go crazy just lying in bed for the rest of the week, but maybe its what I need...not just for my health, but for my heart and soul.  Some true peace and quiet, and if I'm smart, some listening too.

Hey God, it's me, Carolyn...let's spend some time together.

pretty in pink.

even with our mistakes, our brokenness, our forgetting the rules, hating that term, and re-establishing "good ideas"...

i don't think you could make me much happier.

i might be too far in way too soon, but just like you said:  I'm in this for the long haul.

falling slowly,
sing your melody,
i'll sing along.

no more.

no more apologies or guilt on my part.

i never once complained when the situation was reversed.  for the first time in our friendship, i have something you don't.  i want to spend time with you and i want to enjoy our friendship and i love you.  but i'm done letting you make me feel guilty about it.  i'm done feeling like i'm a bad friend.

i've been down this road before, and it ended with me being blamed, feeling at fault, and apologizing.

but friendship, especially best friendship, is supposed to be a two-way street.  and lately, its been a one-way leading to your needs and away from mine.

no more.

reassurance.

The past few days have been rough, but God so delivers.  The message at Emmaus was completely and totally meant for me.  Without a doubt, it was God speaking straight to my heart and soul, reminding me that all my gains are but loss when it comes to how great Christ is.

My reason for wanting to be offered a position with TFA was pure pride.  My heart and motivations were completely in the wrong place, and it took God firmly shutting the door and giving the clear answer I'd been praying for to help me realize it.  And to realize how little I need to worry about where my life is going.  He is so in charge, and He is the only thing that matters.

God could care less whether I get into a competitive program.  All He cares about is my heart.


 ^7-9The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.

 ^10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

 ^12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

((Philippians 3: 7-14))

two dozen.

an unbelievably frustrating day.
a looming all nighter to prepare for this test.

what a mood i was in, and how thoughtful you are.

no one has ever gotten me roses until now.

mood.

you know how sometimes you just get in those moods where you just want to sit and cry and do nothing else?  nothing specifically is wrong, just a general feeling of sadness and stress and off-ness.  i mean, maybe its little things that have built up over the past few days.  individually, nothing to be bothered by.  together, a different story.

yeah, its one of those days.

genuine.

¹² Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, ¹³ for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.  ¹⁴ Do everything without grumbling or arguing, ¹⁵ so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation. Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky ¹⁶ as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. ¹⁷ But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. ¹⁸ So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Philippians 2: 12-18

continual.

I took my senior portraits today.

My college senior portraits.

I posed in a college cap and gown.

All I can do is sit here and wonder where in the world the time has gone.  Parts of high school literally seem like yesterday.  I would not go back to high school, or even the past three years, for all the money in the world, but the fact that they're gone already just blows my mind.  I am so trusting and confident in God's plan for me, but I still have those moments of utter fear about next year and complete sadness that time in this life goes so quickly. 

Every time I start a new year in college, I feel like I say "Ok, this is the one, I'm finally hitting my stride."  And then something happens to break my stride or, as is often the case, I look back and say, "Oh no, that wasn't my year...look what is happening now; this is definitely my year."  Well, I'm in that same phase right now.  I look back across the past 20 years of my life and realize how much I have grown and how much I have changed.  My years in college have been especially formative, with my junior year topping the list.  This time last year, I was drunkenly stumbling my way through a semester abroad, so broken-hearted and broken down that I literally lost myself in anything I could.  Looking back, I think even if I had been entirely sober and sane my entire time abroad, that experience in and of itself would still have been me losing myself for a while.  I was away from everyone and everything I knew, and I was happy not to carry it with me. 

Although, I did carry it all with me...I just pretended that the massive chains on my heart and the weights that dragged along behind me weren't there.  And it took literally being overwhelmed by them to recognize them for what they were, and to finally let Jesus take them.

I am continually and constantly amazed at how fully and beautiful the Lord has worked in my life in the past 10 months.  Yes, there have been backward steps and anger and tears and doubt, but I have literally been transformed.  This idea of transformation has been reappearing over and over again in the past 3 months in particular, and I honestly and truly believe that it is the Lord's gentle way of reminding me that my transformation is not a single moment, but rather a continuing process of living, serving, loving, and growing in Him.

I praise God for this transformation that has touched every single part of my life: school work, free time, friendships, my relationship, my heart.

So, even though this year is flying by...and even though I feel like I'm really, truly, completely hitting my stride this semester...and even though I know there will be future stumbles...

I am transformed and will continue to be.

smile.

one is all i need. 


God is faithful.

beautiful.

you are.
you say i am.

singing along to Joshua Radin.
dancing to Ingrid Michaelson.

Christ is our center.
He is transformation.

couldn't have asked for better tonight.

accountability,

you are trying so hard to keep this relationship focused on Christ.

i know that i don't make it easy, especially considering how little i'm trying in comparison.

but i want so much for this to be lasting, long-term, pure.

so here goes.

wisdom.

((From my dad))

Carolyn,  
God has given it all.  He just expects all of us to be good stewards of the talents he has granted.  I think you do this marvelously well.  All will be just fine.

love you
dad

((got me crying and praising Jesus in Starbucks...as if the people around me didn't already find me odd)) 

((and now from mom))

I love you Carolyn!   God indeed does have it all - whether or not you get the position He loves you more than we do and that is hard to fathom knowing how much I love you!!

   Mom

 

((crying again, this time in Benson.  God is so freaking amazing.))

it was a long time coming...

...but I am finally falling in love with tea.

currently:  Tazo Awake with a little bit of skim milk.

((might need some Yogi Calming later))

broken.

we both are.  but it makes me care for you all the more.

that conversation last night was nothing short of amazing, and I am so thankful that Christ is our center.

this feels so good it scares me.  you say you don't deserve me, but I honestly feel like I don't deserve anything at all.  

it makes me all the more thankful that God has been revealing Himself in so many of my blessings lately...although, I guess its more that I've been willing to see Him and praise Him in my blessings.  

it's more proof and reassurance that I have been transformed.

((2 Corinthians 3: 7- 4: 12))

undeniable.

God's hand is in all of this.

full confidence, strength, and faith have I in the power and guidance and plan that God has laid for me.

and still I will praise you, O Lord.

comfort.

there's something so peaceful about home.

as Katy put it the other day, college really is a place of limbo, an "in-between" of some sort, because home will always be home until you make another one, and college isn't another one.

and honestly, at the end of the day, there are few things i love more than sitting on the couch, watching tv with my dad while my mom rides her stationary bike, my brother watches obnoxious Youtube videos, and my kitty sleeps in the middle of the floor.  Only thing missing is big sister.

so many game changers have been thrown my way within the past few days, but right now, it doesn't matter.

i'm home, i'm peaceful, and God's grace is more than enough.

tomorrow brings Bur-Mil, Starbucks, Target, and Friday night family time.  And if I could convey how much comfort those plans give me, I would.  It amazes me that things so simple are so important, but important in a way that makes me forget how special they are until I'm able to set everything else aside even if just for a day.  I think that is God's little way of giving me an unexpected, but yet familiar, respite.

beautiful, beautiful wonder and mystery is God my Creator...Je Vous remercie encore, encore, et encore, jusqu'a la fin de ma vie, et meme apres.

transformation.

we've all got demons.

some are deeper, darker, stronger than others.

but in the end, the ground is level at the foot of the cross.

so from here on, its about revealing to me that Christ has really changed you, really grown in you, and really transformed your heart and soul.

and i'll do the same.

messy messy.

sometimes I just have to laugh at life and the mistakes we make.

but at least this time, it spurned the conversation that I've been wanting to have for the past week.

Tonight.

and regardless of the outcome, God's grace will be enough.  My prayer is only this:  honesty, humility, and love.

i got the blues.

late night Kraft Mac n Cheese with my boys. 

yeah, I'll regret it in the morning.  but definitely not right now.

this here is a small piece of happiness.

let it be.

God's continual reassurance.

His continual promise.

The conversation will come when God wills it.

Haven't I learned a million times that His way is best?

He is oh-so-good.  And I know His grace will always, forever, eternally be enough.

(current obession:  Cannonball by Damien Rice.  Also, the Kris Allen version of Falling Slowly.  actually, make that the Falling Slowly station on Pandora.)

revealed.

one hour of sleep.
completely my decision, although there was some persuasion involved.
in the end, i'm glad. 
glad for the talks, for the laughter, for the boundaries, for the time.

maybe i'm (once again) investing too much too soon, but this just feels like its supposed to really go somewhere.
and if i, broken and jaded as i am, can say that...i'm praying to and trusting in God that this feeling is real.

in the end, even if the "somewhere" is short lived, i'm realizing how broken and hurt i still am, and how many parts of me i haven't let God heal yet. 

and that, dear heart, is a process that always needs to be revealed.

things.

sore throat.
cough.
work coming out my ears (how did I end up with two presentations, three papers, and two tests within 5 days?).
hot honey apple cinnamon tea.
laughter.
thankfulness.
us four together.
pumpkin spice lattes.
forgiveness.
the giggles.
The Bible.
love.
potential.
future.
courage.


trust.

struggle.

everything's good.

except my trust.  if i had known how hard it would be for me, i would have started working on it a long time ago.  i want to so badly, and i'm trying.  i really really am.  i just pray its enough.

because i care big, just like you.

good day.

Today, I woke up with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

And then, I went to the Children's Center to volunteer and was blessed beyond measure:  I got to see my sweet boy walk.  I remember the days when crawling was a challenge for him!  Because it's been such a long time since I've spent time with him, I did not witness all his gradual progress.  Today, though, I saw the end result.

I left crying tears of joy, both tears for my sweet students and tears praising God for the miracles He so graciously lets me see.

Today, He affirmed me in my calling. 

Father, let my heart be after you.

hold my heart.

Does anybody know how to hold my heart
How to hold my heart?
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go too soon

I want to tell you so before the sun goes dark
How to hold my heart
'Cause I don't want to let go, let go, let go of you.

its been on my mind today.

late nights.

here's to the start of something new...and praise be to God for the changes within me, that I would pray even in that first moment.

this time, it feels different.  i'm still not exactly sure where it's going, but at least i know that i'm letting God lead the way. 

silly silly.

the things we girls will do for our men.

gahhhhh.

i'm so selfish and SO vain, but i just cannot help it...

i should be walking out on that field during Homecoming weekend.  i reallyyy am still confused as to how you beat me.

potential.

There is so much of it in the air.  My life is ripe with it.

God, here's to the coming ride.  Keep me centered, grounded, faithful, and focused.

It is Your ride, after all.

Thanks for letting me climb on.

story.

"...do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share. In this way [you] will lay up treasure for [yourself] as a firm foundation for the coming age, so that [you] may take hold of the life that is truly life."  1 Timothy 6: 18-19

 

 

I'm home.  I'm exhausted after such a weekend (EXTREME!) but I'm so much at peace.  Montreat is one of my favorite places in the world, maybe my favorite place of all time, and it was absolutely amazing to go this weekend and experience it in such a different context that actually ended up being kind of the same.

The last time, I was the student.  I was there to have fun with friends.  I was there to learn about Jesus.  This time, I was the leader.  I was there to have fun with the students, but also be the discipline.  I was there to share Jesus.

In the end though, I guess I will always be a student having fun and learning about Jesus.  That is a process that never ends, and in some ways, it was even stronger this weekend.  Watching "my" high schoolers emcee, win games, lead worship, laugh with/at me, and love each other...that, my friends, is what Jesus wants.

We spent time discussing story.  My story, their story, our story...and how it is all the story of Jesus.  He is our ultimate, extreme reality: a reality that completely transforms our story into one that casts Him as the main character.  We are simply blessed enough to be the extras, the back-up dancers, the prop-masters...and what an amazing time we have putting on a show that demonstrates our purpose and His unconditional love.

My prayer, which tonight is coming from a content and peaceful heart, is that I will be brave enough to serve the purpose for which I was created...that I faithfully play the role of Carolyn, meaning "joy" or "song of happiness"...that I take hold of the life that is truly life...that I let Jesus be my main character.

desperation.

weekend, i need you to come faster.

actually, that cry is more appropriately:  weekend of worship and fellowship in the mountains of North Carolina, i need you to come faster.

and thatttt cry is more appropriately: Jesus, i need you.

so badly.  the last few days...seriously.  where in the world has this come from?

cycle.

something always brings me back to you.

it never takes too long.

gravity.

it's just one of those things.

just don't.  you yourself have admitted that you're vain and selfish.

if you know it...why do you continue?

in addition to embarrassing me at my own party, you blatantly  told me, "oh its probably better not to wonder." 

how dare you tell me that when i know that if you were in my situation, you'd be more than all over it.

hell, if it was you, you'd be trying your absolute hardest to make it happen.

so drop the double standard and get over yourself.

(i hate being this frustrated with someone who is supposed to be a best friend)

(some of) my last thoughts of underage.

sick.
studying for a test.
baking cookies i don't get to eat (mostly).
listening to Kara talk to her Dad.
thinking of someone i haven't thought of in a reallyyyyy long time.
remembering my last birthday.
feeling a certain sadness about time passing.
wondering how much a few hours will actually change.

but in addition to all of this...
recognizing that i'm growing up. 
realizing that time dances a quick-step that we cannot stop. 
praying with every ounce of strength that i become better in this year than i was in the last.
trusting God with my whole heart.

believing, with more confidence than ever, that I am who I am for a reason, that I am where I am for a reason, and that my life will happen as it will happen for a reason. 

Give it to God.  And don't take it back.

kaleidoscope heart.

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart,
Love to watch the colors fade,
They may not make sense,
But they sure as hell made me.

I won't go as a passenger, no,
Waiting for the road to be laid.
Though I may be going down,
I'm taking flame over burning out .

Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll get nowhere.

((Uncharted by Sara Bareilles))

number one.

here it comes.

the first breakdown of senior year.

I know God's got it.  I mean, I walk (or should I say run?) around continually praying for peace and strength and health and good time management.

But tonight, I think I just need to freak a bit.

Maybe I'll feel better afterwards.  Maybe I won't.  Maybe I don't even know what to feel anymore.

grace and peace to you...

Lord, I'm in serious need of grace and peace tonight.

make that today.

actually, make that all week.

Why did senior year become an out-of-control stress spiral in week three?

and this is how i know.

you were once so much to me, but now it all feels like a dream.  maybe one day, it'll be reality again.  but for now, i'm content with it being only a memory.
God has placed too many others- too many wonderful, whole, selfless others- in my life here at Wake for me to be sad that you're not one of them anymore.

that being said, i guess you never really were any of those things.

i pray for you, and hope you've found happiness.  but i know now that i'm just fine not being a part of it.

i i i i .

four eyes.  for the next month.

my eyes are so sensitive (since when?) and are therefore so irritated i can't wear glasses for a month while i load them with eye drops every day.

i know that it is silly, selfish, and prideful...but i just do not like my glasses.

maybe i can learn some humility from this.

seriously?

i am so freaking tired of having problems with my eyes.  i hate my glasses.  i also hate going to the eye doctor.  i'm trying to avoid it at all costs.

i'm just so frustrated.  seriously.  almost 10 years of wearing contacts and alllllll the issues decided to happen within the same month.


kj;lklklkmlkjfjflkjlkjf;lk;l,;lfkkjkdjfalkdjlkdhjadkjfkdjg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ugh.

i have serious jealousy issues.

i need to work on it.

motto.

today, i got a letter in the mail.  a letter i'd written myself on my last night in Philadelphia.

i managed not to cry as i read it, walking across the upper quad in my cutsey first day of school outfit.  i read it once, twice, three times before plopping myself into meret's room for some down time before my 3:00.

this letter brings me several different emotions.  for one, it makes me wish so much that i was still in this summer, still working at First Pres and hanging out with some of the coolest kids in the world.  this letter also makes me sad... sad to read it and be reminded of how much i didn't want to come back to Wake when i wrote the letter.  i'm also convicted...there are several statements in this letter that are good reminders for me, and praise be to God that I had the wisdom at the time to include them.

but most of all, the letter makes me smile.  i smile for the memories, for the life-changing summer, for the messy hand writing, and for Christ.

the letter ends:

"Pray. Worship.  Love the Lord.

Love and faith, Carolyn"

here's to a new motto:  pray.  worship.  love the Lord.

never, ever.

there is nothing in the world that you could ever do to make me love you less.

Complete.

TFA application is completed and submitted.  God is the one who is in charge of it now!

feels good.  now, time to pack and prepare myself for senior year.  God is in charge of that too!

encouragement.

sometimes i wonder why i fret so much when i can just turn to the Word and read this:

"But if it were I, I would appeal to God; I would lay my cause before him.  He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.  He bestows rain upon the earth; he sends water upon the countryside.  The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety."

((Job 5: 9-11))

new artist worthy of notice.

 well, new to me anyway.  She's one of those artists that I downloaded when I heard her name in a article somewhere or other, but never really listened to.  Tonight, I did...and I'm obsessed.

its funny how the first chords that you come to
are the minor notes that come to serenade you
it's hard to accept yourself as someone
you don't desire
as someone you don't want to be

oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
((rambling man by Laura Marling))

to listen.

there were so many moments when i could have gone for it.  but every time i felt myself leaning that way, i started praying.  i prayed for the clarity to know what to do.  and the answer, every time, was "Just wait.  Just breathe.  Just let it be."

i seem to have an incredible talent for situations like this, but this time i'm guarding my heart.  this time, its about what God wants it to be.  Lord knows what i want it to be usually brings nothing but trouble.  and amazingly, i am peaceful about it.  it will be what it will be, and i'm just going to go with God on this one.  seriously. 

i'm finding myself already content, and i don't even know the outcome.

this time, i'm going to listen.

breathe.

This song, albeit written with a secular intent, has really been stuck in my head lately, and I think there's a reason for that.

She is fine, most of the time
She takes her days with a smile
Moves like a dancer in light
Spinning around to the sounds
But sometimes she falls down

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

She likes New York at night
She dreams of running away
Shine on, bright like the sun
When even the sky turns gray

I need you to hear me say

I need you to hear me say

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me
Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Let go of the ones
Who try to put you down
You're gonna be fine
Don't hold it inside
If you hurt right now
Then let it all come out

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Breathe, just breathe
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

Breathe, just breathe
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Let the life that you live
Be all that you need

Let go of the fear
Let go of the time
Take the world off your shoulders
And put it on me

 

((Breathe by Ryan Star))

therapy.

afternoon thunderstorm.
paintbrushes.
lots of blue paint.
a soundtrack of ryan star and ingrid michaelson.

feels good.

focus.

Today, its the Teach for America application.

i've never been so nervous about an application.

it's in God's hands.

love.

So glide away on soapy heels

And promise not to promise anymore
And if you come around again
Then I will take, then I will take the chain from off the door

You put your arm around me for the first time...

crazily obsessed with Taylor Swift's "Mine."

certain parts already hit home, but i wish it was more my story.  kind of.  just the happy, fall in love, get married part.

taylor swift is one of those artists that i fight soooo much against liking.  mainly because she's so teeny-bopper, mainstream, everybody-loves-her-and-i-want-to-be-different.

but then, she has to put out another song that just fits every one of my fairy tales/day dreams.

oh well.

ohhh boyyy.

you know, it just hit me that i downed that entire bag of extra butter popcorn, which comes in at about 600 calories.  that's in addition to the waffles i had for breakfast, the shrimp&grits i had for lunch, and the bowl of cereal i had for dinner.

oops.

but, its ok...it takes at least three days for that to show up anyway, right?  i'll worry about it then.

we were all naked in the Garden anyway, right?

10am.
crowded beach, Wilmington, NC.
need for sunscreen on my back.
asked my mother.
who thought my (strapless) top was twisted.
(misguided) attempt to fix it (and without my knowledge.)
SNAP.
top falls off, displaying very white and naked flesh to fellow beach goers.

(oh well.)

tears.

everythingggg about Redeeming Love strikes such a different chord with me now than it did a year ago.

"She felt jubilation--and the presence of a power so immense she was trembling."

"Though you deny me, I love you with an everlasting love."

"Will you ever know you struck the match and brought light into my darkness?"

"I do."

"I have not given you a heart of fear."

"She had always known her own pain and loneliness, her own need.  Now she came to face his."

"Michael had once read to her how God had cast a man and woman out of Paradise.  Yet, for all their human faults and failures, God had shown them the way back in.
Love the Lord your God, and love one another.  Love one another has He loves.  Love with strength and purpose and passion and no matter what comes against you.  Don't weaken.  Stand against the darkness, and love.  That's the way back into Eden.  That's the way back to life."

independence.

today, i'm feeling a little more grown up.  i've been out and about all day doing my own thing.  i had a doctor's appointment without mom and dad even in the same town, and i paid for it.  i went shopping and was social and ran errands all with the knowledge that i was coming home to an empty house.  my cat met me at the door, she helped me do some chores, and now i'm cooking dinner for one and listening to my music as loud as i want (the only thing missing is a glass of white wine in my left hand).  the evening will be spent cuddled on the couch, reading the Bible and planning tomorrow's lesson, with some packing for the beach scattered in.

is this a preview of this time next year?  i kind of hope so.

way.

as Rob Bell puts it:

"As a Christian, I am simply trying to orient myself around living a particular kind of way, the kind of way that Jesus taught is possible.  And I think that the way of Jesus is the best possible way to live.

This isn't irrational or primitive or blind faith.  It is merely being honest that we all are living a "way."

I'm convinced being generous is a better way to live.

I'm convinced forgiving people and not carrying around bitterness is a better way to live.

I'm convinced having compassion is a better way to live.

I'm convinced pursuing peace in every situation is a better way to live. 

I'm convinced listening to the wisdom of others is a better way to live.

I'm convinced being honest with people is a better way to live.

This way of thinking isn't weird or strange; it is simply acknowledging that everybody follows somebody, and I'm trying to follow Jesus."

((Velvet Elvis))

wholly.

above everything else, this summer i have learned that i cannot live my faith halfway anymore.  its got to be all or nothing.  God has been showing me all summer long that i've got to change my heart, change my focus, change my behavior.  this life is not about the grades, the money, the appearances, the popularity, or the parties.  this life is about the love, the service, the humility, the prayer, and the commitment to Christ.

up until now, i've justified a halfway faith by trying to love certain people, serving when its convenient, being humble when it makes me look good, praying only in the hard times, and being committed only when it doesn't challenge those around me.

no more.

Christ is calling me to more than that.  i've heard the call all along, i've just been good a listening halfway.  But after this summer, i'm ready to completely listen with open ears and an open heart.  Experiences at Bible study, in the office, in Philly, in the quiet moments of prayer, in the conversations, in the laughter, in the tears...

its always the same:  you cannot be whole unless you wholly listen.

here i am.

home.

i have one, unlike so many of the people i served this past week.

i'm home to my air conditioning, my stocked refrigerator, my whole family, my bed, my shower, my giant closet full of clothes.

privilege has taken on a whole new meaning after last week.  I am more than privileged.  

more stories to come.

check.

What you should bring to Philly:
work shirts.
work pants.
work shorts (one pair, past fingertip length).
appropriate clothes.
pillow.
sleeping bag.
toiletries.
camera.
camera charger.
phone charger.
Bible.
pen.
journal.
waterbottle.

What you might need for Philly:
Daddy in the ER at 11pm (one large kidney stone).
no sleep (rise time estimated to be 4:30am).
prayers.
patience.
trust.
joy.

yep, got it all.

See you Saturday.

answer.

proverbs 4:23

pattern.

its the same, over and over.  and i'm tired of it.  even though its different now than it was a year ago, its still the same.  why, even after everything that i've experienced, does this still steal my heart away faster than anything else?  never once in my entire life has this pursuit brought me anything but pain, so how have i ended up in this same place again?  i guess its better that i'm recognizing it this time.  maybe i can work harder to stop it.  but i feel that even if i fight against it, i'll still end up falling too fast, daydreaming too much, and getting punched in the face by reality.

maybe i need to go to a convent.

theme.

I've been listening to theme songs all night; movie theme songs like Gone With The Wind, Forrest Gump and  TV Show theme songs like TMNT and 7th Heaven.  This odd choice in music began as I searched for songs to fill a "Name That Tune" CD for a mission trip beginning Saturday.  As I googled "best theme songs"  and asked my mom for ideas, though, I realized just how much these simple songs mean to me. 

I remember singing the Full House theme song with my best friend in middle school as we watched episodes on Saturday morning.  What about all those times my sister and I danced to "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic, or the afternoons I spent watching Pokemon with my brother?  And of course, all the theme songs from the movies my parents showed us:  Star Wars, Indiana Jones, and the Pink Panther.  Even today, I try to remember exactly how the Brady Bunch theme song goes so I can sing it to Brooks.  There are also the theme songs that belong to my generation, like Harry Potter.  And Disney is a class all on its own.

Music is such a beautiful gift.  Even those songs that we think don't really matter define countless moments in our lives.  A laugh, a cry, a prayer, a wish, an argument...all can be held in a song. 

What will my theme song be?

grace.

isn't it beautiful that i never have to be that again?

fortress.

 it feels like nothing is certain;
but of two things I am certain.


Satan knows exactly where he can get a hold of my heart to rip it to shreds;
but Christ is unfailingly putting the pieces back together.

God knows.

When I have no faith, God gives me people that have faith in me and for me.

He knows my needs before I do.

He knows.

It is amazing how a wounded ego can raise millions of doubts, millions of questions, millions of tears.

But, for all those millions, it only takes "one" to make it better.

One conversation with my mom.

One email with words of advice, support, and encouragement.

One wall post.

One thunderstorm.

One (longggg) prayer.

One Savior.

moi.

Personne n'existe sauf moi.  

Je vis.
Je pense.
Je respire.
Respire mon propre égoïsme.

Je me demande:
Où est ton cœur? 
Si c’étais toi…
Si c’étais moi…
Je serais fâchée, blessée, brulée.

Il faut penser.

Il faut faire attention.

Il faut…il faut…il faut…il faut quoi ?
Arrêter ?
Refuser?

Je ne sais pas.
Je sais pas.
Je sais.
Je sais.
Je sais.
Sais.
Savoir.

Est-ce qu’on peut vraiment savoir ?
Ou connaître ?
Je voudrais seulement le connaître, oui ?

Non.
Je me connais.
Je me connais assez de savoir que je veux plus.

Feu.

dangerous ground.

i say that others are on it, but i'm too blind, too selfish, too stubborn to admit that i'm walking a far more unsteady line. 

in some ways, i cannot blame myself for wanting to play with fire, for wanting to reach for it, for just simply wanting it...i'm human, and its not anything out of the ordinary.  but, i know in my heart that i'm being selfish, arrogant, and completely unfair.

where is Christ's compassionate heart within me? 

after all, i should listen: put others first.

why?

looking through pictures from abroad always means I'm in a mood.

I've been looking through pictures from abroad for the last hour.

but why?  where did the mood come from?

grrr.

mess.

Yesterday is history
And history is miles away
So leave it all behind you
Let it always remind you of the day
The day that love made history

You know you can't stay right where you fell
The hardest part is forgiving yourself
But let's take a walk into today
And don't let your past get in the way


((Matthew West))

let me hear.

I've never felt exhaustion like this, even after three years of college.  the last five days have been a whirlwind, but a whirlwind that i would not trade for anything in this world.  finally, i've made deeper connections.  finally, i know names, faces, and places.  finally, i feel at home.

and not just at home at First Pres, but at home in the city of Winston.  i saw more of Winston in the past five days than in the past three years.  it really threw me into the sharp reality that, as much as i might try to deny it, Wake Forest is a bubble.

there is so much more to this life than what Wake shoves down my throat, and relationships begun in Christ are more fulfilling than relationships begun in convenience or proximity.

in the end, its the late night jam sessions that show a little bit of our hearts and vulnerabilities.  its the early mornings and fellowship around the breakfast table.  its the honest conversations.  its the reality of our sin and the communion that reminds us of the sacrifice.  its the laughter at clean jokes.  its the flow.  its the heart, soul, and mind that is fighting its hardest to say centered on Christ.  its the youth who are trying so hard to love Jesus in a world that tells them not to.  its the leaders who have led me more than they've led the high schoolers.  its the "two weeks" and "chairolyn."  its the service.  its the Savior.

in the end, its all of this that is going to matter.

let me hear.

rocksþs.

what a beginning to the week.

dirty river water.
food poisoning.
rude people at the drive in movie.
no sleep.
moldy food.
stolen drinks.
planning for events that didn't exist.
more sweat than humanly possible.

but witnessing God's love and grace in all of it makes it all oh-so-beautiful.


There is no one like You, God.

brandon.

i think i know a little something about determination, or commitment, or trust.  not even close.  today i met brandon.  he's 8 months into a 15 month addiction recovery program.  he has a heart of gold, and its on fire for Christ.

what beautiful messes we all are.

brandon's mess is his addiction, which has cost him relationships with almost every member of his family.  he is voluntarily, wholeheartedly, vulnerably working through his mess.  today, my mess is that i'm scared to be quiet and listen to God because i don't want to hear what He has to say.  and what am i doing?  blogging.

oh, that i could learn but a little from brandon.

slipping.

my peace, my content heart, my patience...

its slipping.

alas, how easily the woes of this world eat at our hearts and our faith.

one day...

...i'll have enough money to buy myself a really great camera.  but for now, i'm satisfied.

((the garden, National Cathedral, June 2010))

Bloodline.

She heard heaven is invite-only,
Reserved for Christian soldiers,
Not unwed girls living in the city asking for change from strangers.
But father said Jesus loves her even though she never married,
God loves her more than the Christians do.

She's part of His holy bloodline.
She got saved in the bloodline.
The price He paid for the bloodline changed her life,
She cries at night and keeps alive His bloodline.
She believes in the bloodline,
Lives and breathes by the bloodline,
With all her might she cries at night and keeps alive His bloodline.


((matt morris)

Oh, my God...

is there ever an end to Your mysteries?  to Your surprises?  to Your blessings?

Your faithfulness to me is indeed like an evergreen cyprus.  And what amazes me even more...if I thought I understood what it was to love You in the past six months, the past three weeks have shown me more than double that weak understanding.  So, how much more promise do the next three weeks hold?  The next three months?  The next three years?

today, I shared another amazing moment with my best friend, even from across the ocean.  I grew closer to my co-workers, even though all we did was drive to get french fries and laugh about cling wrap.  I talked about real faith and real life in You with two girls who taught me more than what I sometimes learn in weeks, even though it was only two hours.

You are this everlasting, ever-present, ever-constant, ever-gracious mystery that I cannot help but yearn for with all my heart.

and its the best I've felt in almost 21 years.

cling wrap.

"It took me a long time to feel safe in this unpredictable climate, and I still have moments in which I clamp down and tell everyone to shut up, get in line, listen to me, and believe in what I say.  But I am also getting in touch with the mystery that leadership, for a large part, means being led.  I discover that I am learning many new things, not just about the pains and struggles of wounded people, but also about their unique gifts and graces.  They teach me about joy and peace, love and care and prayer -- what I could never have learned in any academy.  They also teach me what nobody else could have taught me, about grief and violence, fear and indifference.  Most of all, they give me a glimpse of God's first love, often at moments when I start feeling depressed and discouraged."

Henri  Nouwen

different kind of hold on my heart.

from the moment I woke up this morning, I was just flustered.  I was tired, running late, and had a million things on my mind.  I show up to the church to grab the credit card so I can go get breakfast for everyone, and the building is locked.  It takes me 5 minutes and lots of cursing to get the code right (and I think an old man was about to call the police on me).  Then, halfway to Krispy Kreme, I realize I've forgotten the discount cards.  When buying juice, I realize I've forgotten to check the refrigerator to see if there was juice left over from last week, so I have no idea how much juice to buy.  I finally get back to the church and try to settle in for Sunday School.  The kids are more in to eating doughnuts than meeting me (no surprise).  One of the church members was asked to give his testimony today, but I focus on only about 10 minutes of it because I'm too busy trying to think about the testimony I've been asked to give at the end of the summer.  After Sunday School, I head to worship.  For some reason, instead of being in the spirit of worship, I find myself dwelling in the worst memories I have of the past 6 months.  New Year's, failing friendship, counseling, and literally every other miserable moment my memories could find.  I sit in service just feeling waves of guilt and sadness, mixed in with frustrations about why these memories were resurfacing now.

and then I realize.

Marissa told us on our first day to be right with God before we come into work in the morning.  If we're not, Satan can find his way in and throw everything off.

That was it.  Satan took advantage of my flustered, weak mind and heart and jumped right in, ready to make me feel worthless and sad and far from Christ.  I never used to really think of Satan as a real and active being, but the more I let Christ be a real and active being in my life, the more I'm aware of Satan's presence and power.  and he's strong.

But not stronger than Christ, who fills me with peace, happiness, and love.

and the ability to be goofy.

saturday.

cleaning.
thrifting.
running.

praise.

praise for a summer about Him (as long as I keep that focus).

praise for Carolyn (it is no small coincidence we share a corner, let alone the same name).

praise for sunshine (even when it gives sunburn).

praise for Brooks (if only I could love like she does).

praise for perspective (whenever it comes along).

praise for my family (I really am happy to have one more summer at home).

praise for healing (one step at a time).

praise for music (currently: Jakob Dylan).

praise for grace (where would I be without it?).


today was a good day.

perspective.

sometimes i wonder why in the world i still care about you.

i have so many other people who, even after hard times, still treat me better.

i need to learn the art of putting things in perspective.

why i love my mother.

(watching tv, random movie commercial comes on)

Mom:  You know what I just don't understand?  That movie Killers or whatever.  Why would anyone want to see that?  The name just sounds gross.  People only want to see it because Allan Keutchners is it in.  He's not an actor, he's just an idiot.  He played on That dumb 70's Show.

legitimately laughed so hard i cried.

poetry for the week.

 Then shall I leap into love

I cannot dance, Lord, unless you lead me.
If you want me to leap with abandon,
You must intone the song.
Then I shall leap into love,
From love into knowledge,
From knowledge into enjoyment,
And from enjoyment beyond all human sensations.
There I want to remain, yet want also to circle higher still.

~

Effortlessly

Effortlessly,
Love flows from God into man,
Like a bird
Who rivers the air
Without moving her wings.
Thus we move in His world
One in body and soul,
Though outwardly separate in form.
As the Source strikes the note,
Humanity sings --
The Holy Spirit is our harpist,
And all strings
Which are touched in Love
Must sound.

~

God speaks to the Soul

And God said to the soul:
I desired you before the world began.
I desire you now
As you desire me.
And where the desires of two come together
There love is perfected

 

 The Soul speaks to God

Lord, you are my lover,
My longing,
My flowing stream,
My sun,
And I am your reflection.

How God Answers the Soul
It is my nature that makes me love you often,
For I am love itself.
It is my longing that makes me love you intensely,
For I yearn to be loved from the heart.
It is my eternity that makes me love you long,
For I have no end.
 ~

mystic poetry by Mechthild of Magdeburg, 12th century

soul

I was a soul
Stranded in bones
I was dream too afraid to dream without you
But now

I want to chase the daylight like it's the last day of my life
I want to run hide myself in the sun and feel all these fears melt away
And I will never look back, no, I will never look back
I'm gonna live this life chasing the daylight

There are still arrows in my heart
There are still times I fall apart
And all I am left with is why's
But then your love falls like a heavy rain
And I don't feel the pain when you're by my side

So open up the sky
And open up my eyes
Open up the sky tonight

--Phillip LaRue

if there were only words for this summer.  if only.  its blowing my mind already and i've worked less than a week.

community.  friendship.  love.  heart.  soul.

change.

luck

pops and i keep playing the lottery.

and we're winning nothing.

although, thats the least of my worries tonight.

left my house at 8:30am. didn't get home til almost 10pm.  packing, stressing, packing, devotion planning, blahhhh.  i'm tired of traveling.

D.C. for the weekend.

better than a hallelujah.

what a long first day.  in the car on the way home, i realized how much this summer is going to challenge me.  as the tears streamed down my face, i cried out to the Lord as i realized that the love story i've been searching for will not be found anywhere but in Him.  As my heart broke for my love of this world, i realized how much i have to change and how much i have to let go.

why does it hurt so much to realize that the only one who will love me the way i long to be loved is Jesus?  is it because i cannot feel His presence all the time?  is it because he won't text me or call me just to tell me He loves me?  is it because He cannot physically hold me the way i want to be held?

in part, yes.  but honestly, i think what hurts is that i'm realizing how much the world pales in comparison to Christ.  and when the world is mainly what i've lived for almost 21 years, it hurts more than a little to let that go.

this summer is going to be a series of ups and downs, but not for the same reasons that used to create such a pattern in my life.  no, this summer is going to be a series of ups and downs as i struggle to let myself completely, totally, unbelievably fall head over heels in love with Christ.

"We pour out our miseries,
God just hears a melody.
Beautiful, the mess we are!
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah."

overdue.

finallyyyyy unpacking my last bags and boxes from moving out of school. 

i am suchhhh a packrat.  i mean, i've got stuff here that never made it anywhere except under my bed in my dorm room.  why do i still have it?

sometimes, i think cleaning is one of the most therapeutic activities for me.  i normally don't do it, so when i'm in a bad mood there's always a lot for me to clean.

i'm not exactly sure where this mood came from, but it's going to result in the cleanest room i've ever had.

chocolate chip banana pancakes

friendship takes all shapes and forms.

this morning, it was pancakes, milk, and One Tree Hill.

shoo

this whole trouble sleeping business has got to go. 

seriously.  tossed and turned til 3am.  why?

probably because my darn mind races too much.

best.

the best parts of my visit with my grandparents:

watching a chick flick on the plane with Dad and him laughing more at some things than I did.
seeing Grandma cry as she got out of the car to hug Dad.
two goats living in an old house 200 feet from the swanky retirement home.
Grandpa's garden.
eating rhubarb with Dad.
Grandpa trying to lead me through the men's locker room just to show me the tiny pool.
"HOLY CHRISTMAS!"
Grandma complaining that her new bras were like unibras and that she'd rather just get pasties.
hearing Dad call, "Goodnight Mom.  Goodnight Dad."
car shopping with the cheapest (but wealthiest) Grandpa in the world.
buying 5 lotto tickets and only getting one number right.
the market.
cutting coupons from the Sunday paper with Grandma.
the food (boiled dinner, smoked turkey, whoopie pies).
Dad trying to spell whoopie pie and saying, "W-H-O-P-P-E."

realizing how blessed I am to live in the same house with my parents, while my Dad lives on the opposite side of the country from his.

genesis.

"I think this is the best known story [Cain&Abel] in the world because it is everybody's story.  I think it is the symbol story of the human soul....I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection.  And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and with the crime guilt-- and there is the story of mankind."  ((Lee))
...
"Isn't it too simple?  I'm always afraid of simple things."  ((Adam))
...
"Don't think it will ever die.  Don't expect it.  Are you better than other men?  I tell you it won't ever die until you do." ((Samuel))
... 
E.o.E. Chapter 22 ((one of the greatest chapters in all of American literature))

it is amazing what a weekend away, some solitary prayer, and a good book will do for the soul.

this is my new beginning.  my new transparency brought to life.  my new desire.  my new summer.  my new fears.  my new faith.  my new hopes.  my new dreams.

my new heart.

family.

its what matters most in the entire world.

alarm: 3:30am
plane: 6:00am
destination: Washington

see you on Monday.

+

no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world.

--Florence + The Machine

tomorrow.

breakfast&prayer.
music&run.
driving&target.
charging&packing.

love&laughter.

edge of eden.

even though the timing is all wrong, the feelings are just right.  now i know what i'm supposed to learn from this.  after being treated the way i've been treated by too many in my life over the past year, now i know how it feels to be respected and to have someone truly care for me. 

i had a conversation with best friend/roommate/amazing confidante/Mer-Mer just about a month ago in which i talked about how this past year has taught me what i truly, truly, want.   now, i have a glimpse of what that feels like.

i know that in His own way, God is teaching me perhaps more this time than in any of the other times combined.  He's teaching me that i am worth more than what i've settled for in the past; that i am more than the person i became with any of the rest of them; that i am stronger than i've let myself be; and, at the very least, that i've got so much to look forward to as i stop looking back.

i'm heading for the edge of eden.  a place of peace, acceptance, and joy.  the next year is going to be hard, i know.  its going to bring new challenges, new fears, and new sadness. but my heart is full of the right things now.  and the next time it feels empty, i know where the real fountain springs from, and that its eternal waters will always, always fill me.

timing.

it was all perfection.

the sand. the stars. the wind off the ocean. 

it'd been in my mind for a few weeks now, and about 3 hours into the evening I just had a feeling it would happen. 

and it happened perfectly. 

except for one thing.  timing.  yes, we agreed.  we know what it is.  and i'm glad for everything and wouldn't change a thing.  but it hit me today in the car that after Monday, it could be over a year until i see him again.  and it just makes me sad.  finally, someone who is what i've wanted.  who matches well with my list.  someone who respects me.

but the timing.  seriously?  What's this one supposed to teach me?

brush off the dust.

opened up my violin case tonight for the first time in about a year.  sadly, half of the hairs on my bow have snapped, so here's hoping it'll last through the summer so i can just invest in a new bow and new strings all at the same time come August.

i forgotten how much i love the smell of my violin.  i know that seems weird, but there is something about the smell of the wood, the rosin, and the fabric of the case all rolled into one that just brings back so many memories. 

i went to an irish fiddle camp one summer.  hippies, the mountains, laughing yoga, singing, morning and evening jam sessions...what a week.  can't til my fingers can once again fly across the strings as i play a reel or a jig.