Quickly.

Blah. If I'm not stressing about one thing, it's about another. I know that I only want to be at LivingSocial for about a year, tops. But what after that? And where? DC has been a great four months so far (all things considered) but I don't think that it is my forever-place.

I can't go to grad school in fall 2012 because I didn't take the GRE. But I don't want to sit around forever not knowing what to be planning for. Do I plan for school or for a new job?

So many decisions that are coming so quickly upon me.

healing.

it comes in waves, and from the strangest of places.  i was searching my gmail for Amtrak confirmation for my ticket for Friday morning.

5 entries came up.  One of them?  one of our forever long gchats, just like we always used to do.  and something in me said, "go ahead, just read it."  so i did.  And as i read, i began to realize something.

what we had?  it was so real.  i think i've spent the past 3 months searching for the holes, feeling like a fool, and wondering how in the world i could have been so blind.  but i wasn't blind, and reading through that random chat about the cheapest way to get from NC to PA proved to me that i was so very right to make the choice that i did.  moving here has been hard, but it was the right choice, even if it was all for him.  and it was not a year wasted, as i've so often wondered over the past few months.  oh no, not wasted at all.

the love was real, even though it didn't last.  its true that it has forever altered the course of my life in a way that i never expected, but tonight my heart is rejoicing that i am being blessed with yet another insight into the work that the Lord is breathing into my life.

my heart is peaceful and much closer to whole than it was even yesterday.

bent.

If I bent like you said was best
Would that change a thing?
If I spent myself what’s left
Would you still leave me here?

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should i thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be

Cause I remember you best
Hating all the girls who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself
Every car crash, every misstep, every word

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all
And I hope you'll always be
Always be

get it gone.

this idea that i have to be the one served, that i have to be the one they reach out to, that i deserve their premier attention and thought?

only setting myself up for disappointment, because i'm not the one that needs to be ministered to anymore.  i need to stop waiting for them to change and instead seek their hearts.  i say that not from a place of self-importance but instead a place of strength.

why should i continue to be disappointed that they never seek out me and my company?  why not view it instead as a chance to reach their hearts?  i have been blessed with maturity and grace and a fresh perspective. why not share it?

Lord have mercy, but i sure do need to let you take control of some more things in my life.

marissa.

i've known her such a short time and yet she feels like the truest and best of sisters.  she listens, she encourages, and she speaks so much truth into my life when i need it most.

"In this season of your life, as I pray for you, "resilience" keeps coming to my mind.  The Lord is bestowing favor on you.  He is setting you apart, He is not withholding truth from you, He is taking this time to grow you.  And I know it feels lonely.  But how much fruit will be born from this season?  Not everyone is chosen for a task such as this."

oh, sweet sister.  how much you mean to me.

certainty.

i know in my heart that i don't want to ever go there again.

i know in my heart that he is not the one like i thought.

i know in my heart that i am honestly and truly better with out him.

i know in my heart that i do not love him anymore.

but i have to admit...it still hurts.  and i think my heart wants justice, which unfortunately is not mine to give.  i think the hurt resides in the fact that remorse seems to be non-existent.  i think i'm jealous of the friendship he's maintained with all our mutual friends, only because he's doing a better job at that than i am.  there it is.  i'm jealous that it's been so easy for him, when my selfish heart feels like i'm the one who deserves all the happiness.

wow.

really?  that's what you're going to do?


i was at least courteous and courageous enough to leave the pictures up.  if you really want to be distinguished from me so badly that you'd go to the extreme to un-tag all of them?


fine.


The Lord continues to prove to me just how much of a waste you were.  It's too bad, really.  I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt.  Oh well.  Thanks for proving me wrong.


Just stop.  breathe.  it isn't worth all of that, now is it?  recording my thoughts in the moment is therapeutic, but i always feel a little silly after.  especially over something as trivial as this.

tired.

i am just so very sad.  and so tired of 2011.

enough now.

today is the last day.

i am going to give it my all to make it the last day i let my heart ache for what is already out of reach.

time for a good cry, a cup of tea, and some scripture.

enough.

just my luck.

crippled yet again.

how, you might ask?

fell down the stairs and broke my pinkie toe.  takes some skill.

ashes and smoke

i can do this.  i can be strong.  i can make it here.

bit by bit, things are looking up.  some days are oh-so-hard.  and some days i sit at my desk and wonder why in the world i left home.

but the Lord is bestowing favor on me in different ways, and little by little i am becoming thankful and appreciative for that.  i am indeed being refined through fire, and i cannot wait to see what life after the fire will be like once the ashes have settled and the smoke has cleared.

"It is always surprising how small a part of life is taken up by meaningful moments.  Most often they are over before they start...although they cast a light on the future and make the person who originated them unforgettable."

(from Anna and the King)

resolution.

it is amazing to me to look at the posts the week before my relationship ended.  to see the thought process there.  to think about where i am now.

i wake up every morning telling myself, "No.  Not today," in answer to the question that is always on my heart and my mind, "Will he come back?"

maybe, just maybe, if i keep telling myself that i'll start to believe it.  yes, it will take time.  but i am resolute.  resolute and determined that the only thing in this life that i am going to wait for is the Lord.

"be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!"

so here's my resolution: stop looking back.  stop wishing for what has been.  whether it will ever be again or whether it is lost forever is not the point; the point is to move forward.

grow.  learn. explore.  change.

dear heart, do you not know that the Lord is making all things new?  behold, He is doing a new thing...will you not see it?

I know you like I know my reflection
Walking on the water across an ocean of desire
Everyone I know is looking for protection
...
That was the real you standing there in the shape of your body
Fear don't know no love when we're all the same
That was the real you looking back across the water
Tears falling like rain, drops rippling against the shame

Learning to love again.

lyric.

Nothing compares.
No worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes?
They're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind.
I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me, I beg,
"I'll remember" you said,
Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

Never really thought this song would take on a different meaning.  Thank the Lord I really am doing fine.

peace

I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 27:13-14

courage.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

mysterious.

God works in mysterious ways.

Clinging to His promises now more than ever, as once again I have learned that life never really plays out like you expected.

At least a broken heart is a pain I recognize, and it is most definitely already being healed by God's love.

my highest skill set?

overreacting and being anxious.  Thank the Lord I went through the process on my own this time?  But seriously, I never would have panicked if that stupid friend hadn't said what he did.  note to self: never talk to him about relationship matters of annyyyyy kind.

yes, things aren't fixed, but there sure as hell isn't a reason to panic like i thought.  jeepers i'm crazy.

trust.

You hold everything in Your perfect plan...and I believe I can see a part of your plan for my life.  and I'm trusting and clinging to Your goodness and promise and knowledge that if the plan that I am seeing before me now is indeed Your plan, then whatever happens in the next few days or weeks that might break my heart or scare me or leave me feeling empty and alone will be refining me and be preparing me for the beauty and strength that is yet before me.  I do not feel for one single moment that things have worked out in this way for no reason at all.  Crazy job that pays me more than I could imagine.  A wonderful house of girls who are loving me and supporting me.  A boyfriend who is living four miles down the road.  And yes, one of those things is in question right now, and the possibility of that thing actually disappearing from my life is something that terrifies me to no end.  But I cannot fathom how God in his intimate and wonderful plan would formulate all of these things together so perfectly only to have one of them drop away a few weeks in.

So I'm sitting back and letting it be and instead choosing tonight to focus on my praise for the Lord and how much His blessings in my life are so very apparent.  And when my overreactions stand in strong contrast to that, I realize how amazing and beautiful our God really is.  And he is taking care of me in more ways that I could ever possibly imagine.  And if the love of my life really does let me go?   Well, that's when I get to remember that Jesus is the love of my life and He will never let me go.  I'm going to be just fine.

The wind and the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me


The blood in my veins and my heart you invade
The plants how they grow and the tree and their shade
The way that I feel and the love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me know


I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that You do
I am, I'm captivated
'Cause I am, I'm captivated by You
In all that you do
I am, I'm captivated...

realization

I am so damn selfish.

Pardon my language, but seriously.  Everything in my life overshadows anyone and everything around me.  The smallest stress or unhappiness becomes a reason to complain, a reason to cry, a reason to take the spotlight and play the famous "Woe is me" character.  How can I not see that the other people in my life are going through things too?

If I'm not careful, I'm going to lose it all.

oh dear.

i'm terrified i am going to hate it?  but praying that once i get used to it, i'll feel better.  i need to give it some time, and just learn to be grateful.  because i have a job, and i'm living where i want to live.

i can do this.

flashback.

i'm totally becoming like her.  when i dealt with that sinking ship, i always swore i would never ever put the same level of burden on anyone else.

well, either the Lord is trying to teach me some perspective, or i'm just a darn hypocrite.  or maybe it's both.

because all i know is i'm doing it to him, and my whole world would come crashing down if he ever let me go like i did her.

Lord Jesus, get me out of this mess and heal the damage.

disbelief.

cannot believe i'll be gone from this place in a week and a half.  twelve years is an awful lot of years to leave behind.

encouragement.

what a fantastic two days.  yes, stressful and busy, but I am so very encouraged about this move.  I have several great living options and I now have a better feel for the area where I'll be living.  I absolutely now know that I need my green space and a neighborhood feel, instead of feeling cramped in an apartment building.

and the best thing?  its a brand new place with new things to discover.  home will always be home, and I know I will miss it.

But I need this.  I need God to take me to a new place and refine me through fire.

And, even if everything else falls apart, i'll be near him.  and he is absolutely worth it.

my reality.

What ever my lot,
You have taught me to say,
It is well,
It is well with my soul.

Yes dear Lord, it is well with my soul.

sweet lord.

I might be scared of moving to DC but from where I'm sitting now, it sure beats staying here.

wowsers.

it hit me tonight that i could be moving to DC within the next few weeks.  i'm not trying to get ahead of myself, but i have to look at it as a realistic possibility.

can't hardly believe it.

if all else fails...

i really will become a hobo and spend my life wandering through thrift stores.

new.

http://reveilletoi.tumblr.com/

because one blog wasn't enough.

‎We can depend on God to fulfill His promise, even when all the roads leading to it are closed. 'For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ...' [2 Corinthians 1:20]

-Matthew Henry

I only knew you for a short time, sweet Jenny, but I feel your absence.  I know you can see how many people love you and your family...I'm blessed to be one of them.  See you soon!

priorities.

I am not really sure why this one little incident made me so upset, but it just has.

I have essentially redirected my life around you.  not kidding.  so it'd be nice to feel like I was at least a priority instead of something you just check off your list.

and yes, I am going to look back at this tomorrow, heck maybe in an hour, and realize how silly, trivial, and blown-out-of-proportion this is, but right now it just feels good to say it.

so there.

even now.

its over a year later and i've met the one.  yet i still avoid that stop sign on the way home from bur-mil.

why?

because i hate the memories it brings every time i stop there, and the feelings that inevitably come rushing to the surface:  sadness, a little bit of regret, and a dash of foolishness.

whirlwind.

its been less than 24 hours and i am fully convinced that i could never, ever live in Georgetown.

too much activity.  too many people.  too little space.

i'll just come visit every once in a while.


(side note-yesterday marked the best 8 months of my life)

river.

yes, i'm scared to move to a new place.  i'm scared of missing home and missing my friends.  but as i was laying in bed last night trying to fall asleep, as usual my mind began to wander.  i began to realize that whether i like it or not, life is moving on and it is trying to sweep me to new places.  even if i choose to remain stuck like a rock in a river, the current will move on around me.  just because i refuse to move does not mean things are going to remain the same.

i think for the longest time i've had the notion that if i keep things the same, nothing will change.  for example, coming back home every summer and even being at home now...if everything feels like it always has, then that must mean everything will stay the same, right?

not hardly.  nick is moving to africa.  kara has new roommates.  marykate is going to France.  meret is working in charlotte.  kelc has a full time job.  mary is going to spain.  celia is in argentina.  hunter is working on the vineyard and then spending time with his dad til he settles in DC.

the fact of the matter is, nothing is the same and it is never going to be the way that it was.  so i guess i need to learn that change is not a bad thing.

but it is just so hard when you love the life you've been living and you don't get a say in whether or not it stays the same.

slow down, river.

wow.

to think you were right under my nose for three years and i never noticed you until internship.

God has such wonderful plans.

blah.

whyyy can't i ever sleep these days?

i absolutely hate it.  i toss and turn for hours at night, no matter what time i got up in the morning or what time i went to bed.

heck, i even biked for an hour tonight, you'd think some physical exercise would help.

nope.

bored.

i don't realize how often i'm moving about and seeing people and doing things until i sit at home on a saturday night and feel like i have nothing to do.

i don't like it.

consistency.

in one moment, i am so sure and confident and excited about the opportunity, and the next i'm freaking out.

what does that mean???

also...

God whispers?


"But as you go your own way
Remember, do not be afraid
because you're right where you should be
In Capitol City
Yeah, I know
There's better things right now for you than me
You're growing up
Those squinty eyes are just starting to see
Everything you need."
--"Capitol City" by Matt Wertz

answer.

just last night, a cry of being lonely.  or rather, the fear of being lonely this summer.

and then came today.

silly me.

faith.

i'm such a control freak.

so resistant to change.

when am i going to trust again?

being.

i finally have a moment to sit and breathe, a moment to sit and process everything that has happened in my life over the past month or so.  i really am not exaggerating when i say that it has been the craziest and hardest month of my life.

i guess it all started with the ankle.  falling down was not really a huge thing, but honestly being on crutches, then in a boot, and then now the brace has really been a much crazier process than i would have ever anticipated.  i realized the other day that i wasn't able to enjoy the walk to classes for the last month of my senior year...because i couldn't walk at all.  i couldn't hardly tell you what the quad was like in this month's beautiful sunshine, because i missed it.

in the midst of the ankle issues came the last few weeks of class, filled with papers, projects, presentations, Laura causing family drama, and Easter.  and then right as exams started, Mr. Mike died.  and then a week after that, Grandma went home to Jesus too.  the selfish decision to spend a week at the beach instead of flying out to Washington felt like the right decision, but it was not the restful week i'd really been needing...too much sun and too many late nights.

and then came graduation weekend.  in addition to gradually packing up my apartment over the course of these three days, the weekend brought: two parties on Saturday; Baccalaureate, the boys' party, department receptions, and dinner with Hunter's family on Sunday; Commencement, lunch with the family, and then dinner at the Graylyn with my family and Hunter's family on Monday.

i slept for almost 12 hours on Monday night.  i'm exhausted.  but i'm realizing that i'm not only physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally exhausted too.  the punches have just not stopped coming for the past month and a half, and i am just so tired.  and its not even over.  i'm about to face a summer of the unknown, filled with job hunting, missing friends and missing Hunter, and fearing what is next.  Moving to D.C. is my goal, and that'll be stressful even in its own right.

i'm realizing, especially after reading all of this, how desperately i need some time to just be.  seriously.  just time to sit and do nothing, so that i can deal with my heart and my soul and my mind.  Jesus has been pushed out a lot in the past several weeks, and i know that now more than ever i need to be trusting in Him.  Because no one else is going to be able to take these burdens from me, or set right what is so broken and empty in my life.

so that's my goal for the next few weeks.  being.  got a brand new Moleskine, lots of pens, and a dusty Bible.  that's all that is going to matter.

and now for Grandma.

"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live! "


So glad you're finally home, sweet Grandma.  You're happy and healthy again, and praise Jesus for that.  We love you and miss you, but you're finally where you've needed to be.

"And with your final heartbeat
Kiss the world goodbye
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side, and
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus
Fly to Jesus and live!"


We'll miss you, Mr. Mike.  But we know you're home.

"And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you." 




I just can't stay mad at Him for long.  He's too much of a best friend, life source, constant companion.  I found myself praying yesterday and then realizing, "Wait, I'm mad at You."  Clearly that just won't fly.

precious.

"In a sense every wedding is a royal wedding with bride and groom as the king and queen of creation, making a new life together, so life can flow through them into the future." --Bishop of London, The Royal Wedding Address

done.

I thought God knew by now that I can't take any more.

coldplay.

I like to think these songs are from the perspective of Christ.  I'm in need of that tonight.

And I could write a song

A hundred miles long

Well, that's where I belong

And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on

A thousand houses long

Well, that's where I belong

And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live

With nothing left to give?

Forget but not forgive?

Not loving all you see?

Oh the streets you're walking on

A thousand houses long

Well that's where I belong

And you belong with me

Not swallowed in the sea

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Look at the stars

Look how they shine for you

And everything you do 

Yeah they were all yellow

I came along 

I wrote a song for you 

And all the things you do 

And it was called yellow 

So then I took my turn 

Oh all the things I've done 

And it was all yellow 

Your skin 

Oh yeah your skin and bones 

Turn into something beautiful 

D'you know you know I love you so 

You know I love you so 

I swam across 

I jumped across for you 

Oh all the things you do 

Cause you were all yellow 

I drew a line 

I drew a line for you 

Oh what a thing to do 

And it was all yellow 

Your skin 

Oh yeah your skin and bones 

Turn into something beautiful 

D'you know for you I bleed myself dry 

For you I bleed myself dry 

Its true;

Look how they shine for you.

evident.

Even though there is so much going on in my life right now that weighs on me, frustrates me, brings me down...

I cannot deny that I am simply happy.

and I owe that all to the Lord.

"Grandma says today is the day she goes off with the butterflies and floats to heaven.  She wants Grandpa to go with her."


just pray for peace.

dependence.

i'm not good at it.  i'm just not.  its really hard for me to have to ask for someone to get me a glass of water, or to ask Hunter to go get my car after class because the handicap spot is too far away and it hurts to crutch around.

i guess i never really realized how much i depend on myself and how hard it is to constantly have to ask for help.

i'm starting to get frustrated.  really frustrated.  all of the questions, "Why???  Why me??? Why now??? (seriously?  last month of senior year?  less than 48 hours after buying the prettiest dress i've ever had for formal?)" are really starting to rear their ugly little heads.

even though i'm still questioning, i think a part of me knows one of the answers in all of this.  it has been a rough couple of weeks.  between illness, several trips to student health, stress about next year, a typical Wake Forest work load, and concern for my family, i've really started to feel like i'm in over my head, or rather that every time i catch a gulp of air a wave comes and knocks me down again.  but that is to say, i've been seeking comfort from those around me, particularly from Hunter and Meret.  Don't get me wrong, I am unbelievably thankful for their presences in my life and even more thankful for how amazingly supportive they have been.  The problem is, however, that there's someone missing.  And they try and point me to Him every time I go to them for comfort, but I just ain't listened yet.

Well God, now that I literally can't move without assistance any more, I think You've got my attention.  I know I've been praying a lot, but we haven't really talked a lot lately...I've been doing a bit too much blabbering and not enough listening.  So...what are You up to?

mountains.

I know God never gives us more than we can handle.

Well, He's definitely giving me just about everything I can handle.

I think He's trying to teach me dependence on Him alone...cause He's the only one who's gonna fix a bum ankle, calm stress issues, build up relationships, and take care of Grandma and Grandpa and Daddy.

community.

praise be to God for the beautiful and loving community all around me.  thanks to His love and his good-wishes for my life, I know I am never alone.

a comforting kind of heartbreak.

At least Grandma knows she's ready.  As much as it breaks my heart to lose her, for Daddy's sake, for Grandpa's, for everyone's...we could not wish for a more peaceful state for her to be in.


"I want to be the next one to get there and I don't want anyone else to go before me."


She knows Jesus is ready for her to come home.

fine.

i guess it really shouldn't matter, but it does.  i'm just surprised that its happening at all.

well, now that i know...

frazzled.

too many things to do.

too little sleep.

too much too much too much.

you know what they say...

when it rains, it pours.

or, as my dad just said, it all has to average out somehow...we just are getting the entire average at once.

favorite.

"If time is money, then I'll spend it all for you
I will buy you flowers with the minutes we outgrew
I'll turn hours into gardens, planted just for us to take
I'll be reckless with my days, building castles in your name."


--from "Next to Me" by Sleeping at Last

reminisce

occasionally I take the time to catch up with best friends from years past.  and by catch up, I mean stalk them on facebook for any interesting tidbits that might be on their profile.

today, it was KMS.  in middle school, she was my utmost and absolute best friend.  we were inseparable until about sophomore year of high school, and then we drifted and went through various phases until we graduated.  I often think about how much fun we had, and how much of my personality and who I am today was shaped by her and her friendship.  I learned today that she's going to be corps member with TFA next year.  honestly and truly, it fits her perfectly.  and, also honestly and truly, it gives me a little pang of sadness to know that a desire to work with TFA was something that was on both of our hearts.  Not because she got it and I didn't; I fully know that it was not God's plan for me.  no, the pang of sadness comes because our mutual interest shows that we are still, at least a little bit, the same as we were so many years ago.  and because i wonder what it would be like if we were still such best friends, still involved in one another's life.

i know for everything there is a season, and that people come and go in our lives for a distinct purpose as designed by the Lord.

but i cannot help but reminisce just a little bit, and wish that it wasn't all just memories.

plan.

even in all of this: in the midst of the conversations, my desires, our visions, and our hopes...

may we never, ever forget that everything falls into place according to God's purpose and plan.  and my prayer now is that we discover that plan together, even if ((God forbid)) it one day takes us apart.

deeply.

last night showed me yet again how much i desperately want this to be it.

confirmation.

absolutely, entirely, completely.

Pawleys was where I needed to be.  God made that so clear, and I am so very refreshed and rejuvenated.

more to come.

the questions without answers.

I've been working on a rather silly project for Children's Literature for the past few days.  For our project, we read the book Tuck Everlasting and had to come up with an interview with the author Natalie Babbitt.  Lucky for us, there are lots of those on the interwebs.

One of the questions asked, "What do you want readers to remember about your books?"

Her response:  "The questions without answers."

Even though she meant this in a completely secular context, I think its a beautiful picture of faith and one that has stayed on my heart the past few days.  As a follow of Christ, I am called to trust in His amazing love, power, and plan for my life...essentially, I am trusting in all of those questions without answers.

Yes, I'm terrified.  I'm terrified because I like answers.  But at the end of the day, it really does come down to trust.  I think God is really trying to heal my trust issues because I cannot tell you how many times this idea has been popping up all over the place.

So here's to the opening of my heart so that I learn how to trust again.

no more.

i've gotten lazy.

i'm living that comfortable and easy faith again.

Christ's life is not my breath anymore, and i need to wake up and realize i'm drowning without it.

this was my commitment last year, and so i will make it again:

no more half-way.

truth.

"the whole 'you complete me' idea...its a lie.  absolutely a lie.  the only one who will ever complete me is Jesus."

a hard but oh-so-truthful reminder about where and with who my true completion lies.

i might love a man, but Jesus gets my heart.

turn the other cheek.

that's what i'm trying so hard to do.

but i'm just about tired of it, and i'm finding that i've turned the other cheek so darn much i'm not quite sure where i am in relation to her anymore.

this feels exactly like the road i went down before with CNH, and i can't do it again.

but how to avoid it?

oops.

and that was definitely one of those "Oh shit I shouldn't have said that" moments.

especially considering the subject.

striking out.

and the rejections keep coming.

and there are no youth ministry positions available.

and the qualifications don't match.

and there is no end to the rising panic i'm feeling.

but it just has to work out.  i'm not done with this just yet.  


God, its all on You.  I'm not enough on my own.

comfort.

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child?
Tell me, where will you run?
To where will you run?

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go


--Tenth Avenue North

discovery.

Peter Bradley Adams.

have a listen.

tiny bit.

continual conversation with God all day long.  Instead of paying attention in classes, simply continual prayer.

it's a bit brighter inside me now.

soulsick.

grumpy.
sad.
scared.
distant.
lonely.

why can't i shake it?  will i ruin everything because i constantly project my darkness onto others, let it affect my relationships with literally everyone and everything?

when did this start?  i'd like to say it all started this weekend, after the accident and learning about my grandma...but now that i'm in the middle of it, it feels like its been building for so much longer.

why am i hurting so much?  and why do i make myself hurt more by acting out my pain?

God, shine it away.  please.  i need some light.  don't let me ruin everything.  please.  i can't do it on my own.

legit.

one of the hardest weekends of my life.

Watched this just now and cried like a baby.  If God brought the great multitude of his people out of slavery,  through the wilderness and into the Promised Land, then surely He will bring me through my weakness, fear, and anxiety about the future.

Adonai!

moments.

so simple, and yet so indicative of what i want the rest of my life to look like.

just can't help it.

you told me we'll cross the bridges when we come to them.

i cannot help but worry anyway.  and yes, i am trying my darndest to hand it over to God, to just completely fall into His promises and love.

but i am human. and i am terrified.

beauty.

Sometimes you never know what role you will play in someone else's life.

Sometimes you're surprised how you find God in the places you did not expect.

Sometimes you don't know just how much He's going to work in your life until you let Him.

make a joyful noise.

very much on my heart tonight.

slipping off my solid rock.

my heart needs to burn for Him before it burns for anyone else.  i've been neglecting this truth lately, and i'm beginning to feel it.  i know where this road goes, and it is not to a place i want to revisit.

i know that this time, it is unbelievably different.  this time it is more pure, more centered, more grounded, and actually reciprocal.  but regardless of all of that, it cannot take the place of my love and desire for Christ.

Christ is my foundation, my solid rock.  I might need to be caught by others if i'm struggling, if i'm slipping...but they cannot be what holds me up.

My life and my heart are for Christ.  Everyone (and everything) else comes second.

"All I need is You."

sappppp.

occasionally i'll sit and read through old blog posts.  and by occasionally, i mean when i'm bored and facebook doesn't have anything interesting on it.  in this instance, its 9:30 and my 9:00 class was let out 40 minutes early.  no lie (tennis was definitelyyyy a good choice).  what i'm realizing today is the extreme sappiness of so many of my blog posts.  i mean, i recognize that i am an emotional person for sure.  i can't watch some movie trailers without tearing up, and i'll vent more easily than most people will when i'm in a bad mood.  i'm also a pretty regular complainer, something i know i need to work on.  regardless, today i am thankful for my blog.  it sounds silly, but its a great journal/friend/emotion catcher.  i like that i can record events of my life here, and  for some reason it feels easier than writing in a journal (although i still do that too).  and yes, on some days my blog does feel like a friend...it is incredibly cathartic to literally write out whatever i want, full knowing that very few people will ever read it.  it is also a great place to put exciting things, all things, that i am feeling, thinking, experiencing...everything.  and of course, everything turns out to be sappy, in the end.  at least i seem to turn it that way.  but you know what? i kinda like it.  and its not going anywhere anytime soon.

quote on my teabag.

"real happiness lies in that which never comes nor goes, but simply is."

time.

Grandma has 3 months, doctors say.

Daddy says Grandpa won't last the year.

I was expecting that it would start coming all at once, given I'm still blessed with all four grandparents.

What I did not expect was to feel so distant and removed, yet torn apart at the same time.

pattern.

once.
twice.
it cannot happen a third time.

Where is my conviction?  My will power to listen?

beginning of the end.

if i think about it too much, it'll be come a reality...but tonight it is staring me in the face.

this is it.  the end.  i'm less than five months away from a life that is yet to be determined.

i am terrified.

where?  doing what?  with who?  with him?  how?



will i be happy like i am now?

whole.

i came into 2010 utterly torn apart and lost.  alcohol, a broken heart, and no sense of faith or self sent me straight to rock bottom.

but you know what rock bottom became?  a foundation.


if i could put into words how beautiful this past year has been, i would.  it has been a year full of struggles, mistakes, and failures to be sure, but it was without a doubt my year of self-discovery.

when i look back on my life, 2010 will undoubtedly remain the year that shaped Carolyn Marie St. Cyr, a young woman who learned that Jesus is life, not merely an addition to it, and that her heart needed to belong to Him if it was ever going to belong to anyone at all.  She learned that Jesus had placed so many people in her life that would move and grow along with her, support her, guide her, love her, and laugh with her.  She learned humility, patience, gratefulness, and peace, and is still learning all of those things today.  She began to trust in the Lord with her whole heart and soul, not merely in word and deed.  She recognized that everything she learned will be a continuing lesson to be relearned over and over again during her journey.

i come into 2011 whole.  faith, a heart that is starting to love again, and a much stronger sense of self are building my future.  i owe it all to Jesus and those people that He has placed in my life who support me  regardless of my failures.  in particular: mgjgc. kkp. mkw. kvy. nad. cer. hmg. sms+sws+les+sms.

i know i have yet before me lots of growth, lots of struggles, lots of mistakes, and lots of pain, but here's to a new year that is beginning in the right way.  Oh Father God, what amazing things you have in store for me.  Thank You for 2010...it's shaping 2011.

yes, please.

annual watching of The Lord of the Rings Series: Extended Editions?

rainy day, comfy couch, and honey's sweatpants.

don't mind if I do.